Brain Boy

I'm at Starbucks right now working away, and a smelly guy is sitting next to me. He's not "b.o." smelly, but more like "the shirt I'm wearing was laying on an old mildewy towel" smelly or "wearing the same clothes that I wore to a Chinese restaurant last night" smelly.

But here's the thing... he's kinda cute and he's reading from some kind of medical book, studying a diagram of a brain. I'm looking at the top of the page and it says... "Interior root of the Ansa Cervicalis."

Maybe he's a brain surgeon. Or a medical student studying to be brain surgeon.

My point is this: Maybe I should overlook brain boy's smelly clothes. Maybe he just needs a good woman to take care of him and do his laundry. I'm not saying I'd do his laundry, but I'd pick up the phone and find us a good maid who would.

Oops... I just made myself laugh. Not because I think I'm funny... I'm just giddy with excitement at the possibility of a new love interest.

Ooh! Brain boy just looked at me.

I smiled at him. He smiled back. Now he's back to the book.

He's definitely younger than me, which is fine. I recently watched "Prime" and "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" and could totally handle a sexy young thing.

Hmmm... now my mind is wandering. If I could pick any sexy young thing, I'd pick Paolo Nutini. I'd lay his sweet little head on my bosom and stroke his floppy hair, and he'd look up at me with his big brown puppy dog eyes and sing me a song. Then he'd kiss me with his pillowy soft lips...


I sound like a teenage boy in a locker room... Sorry.

Is this something that happens to women after 30? That they find barely-legal guys simply irresistible? Because I find myself checking out bag boys and walking by Abercrombie & Fitch an awful lot lately.

Kidding. Really, I am.

Back to brain boy... He just stood up and is kinda short. I'm not big on short guys. I'm not looking for a giant, just someone taller than me. Okay, I'm over him.

Gosh, I ramble... what was the purpose of this post? I totally forgot. Oh well.

Ramble About Gross People At Starbucks

So I'm sitting at a Starbucks on the upper east side and this totally irritating man comes up to me and wants to share my table. I say sure, fine, absolutely, sit down. But he doesn't, and instead starts moving the table as I'm sitting at it, typing. You see, he wants to lean against a wall and rest his arm here or there or something like that. But I can't type on my laptop when the table is shoved in the corner against the wall, so when the guy goes up to get his coffee, I move it back to where it's supposed to be... So when he comes back, he's all like, "Why isn't the table where I moved it?" Well sir, I can't fit my chair in the small space between it and the window when it's shoved in the corner like that. There are four other tables open, why don't you take one of those? "Because I want to sit here, the light is better." Well, fine, sit here, but you're not moving the table. So he sits at a different table, pulls out his paper, starts reading. People sit at the table next to him, start talking. He asks them to keep it down. They look at him, like, "Crazy fool." He continues to read his paper, then takes off his shoes.


STARBUCKS ISN'T YOUR FREAKIN' LIVING ROOM, GROSS GUY.

Don't ever do this.

Celebrity Sighting: Emily Mortimer

I've been sitting next to Emily Mortimer at Starbucks for the past hour. Since I thought it would be rude to take a picture of her with my computer like I did with bloated Harry, I instead took a picture of her coffee, which she left on the table when she left. Here it is:


Emily has been in many films, including Notting Hill, The Pink Panther and Match Point, in which she played Jonathan Rhys Meyer's wife.


She also played a love interest of Alec "You are a rude, thoughtless little pig" Baldwin in a few episode of "30 Rock."

Starbucks Update

OMG... it's here and it's opening TONIGHT. Starbucks... two doors down. I'm going, and I'm going to bring my camera and take pictures.

UPDATE: FedEx delivered a package to me today, and while I was signing for it, a barista came over and served me a free latte, right there in my vestibule. This rocks.

It's Coming, It's Coming! Starbucks Update

The inside isn't nearly done, but they're hanging the sign at my new neighborhood Starbucks today!

UPDATE: This post was linked to from one of my favorite blogs... Curbed!

There is a God

Ladies and Gentlemen, a Starbucks is opening two doors down from my apartment building.

My landlord owns the building, and I'm sure he just made a pretty penny renting it out to them. Previously it was a general store that pretty much carried everything from cleaning supplies to electronics to weave (yes, as in hair weave) to mousetraps. I used to buy my lightbulbs there.

After what happened at my last neighborhood Starbucks, I'm going to be bold and lay claim to this one right now: THIS ONE'S MINE, LENNY! So back off...

Anyway, I'm going to be chronicle the progress of this delightful addition to my block with pictures, so keep checking back.

OMG... It's happened!

My friend Mark just called me and couldn't contain his excitement.

It's happened! It's happened!" he exclaimed.

"What's happened?" I asked.

"Have you been to Starbucks today?"

"No..."

"They've switched over to holiday cups!"


Ahh... gotta love the gays.

Celebrity Sighting: Joe Simpson

...sort of. I'm at Starbucks on 57th and Seventh right now and I just saw stage-dad Joe Simpson.

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld.

Traveling

I'm in Chicago right now, staying with at my mom's house, and I've been unable to connect my computer to the internet. Even worse, my BlackBerry works, but as a phone only, so I can't retrieve my emails because the signal isn't strong enough.

Oh, the suburbs... I feel helpless.

Anyway, I'm working on her s-l-o-w computer right now (dial-up, anyone?), but everything I need to upload and publish is on mine (like the week 5 winner of the Love, Sex, & My Ex Contest), so I'll be heading out to a Starbucks and logging on from there later today, so check back in a few hours. Sorry for the delay!

My Starbucks Office III: Confronting Lenny... For Real This Time

Okay, so I'm trying to post this via e-mail using my Blackberry so I hope it works...

I'm at Starbucks right now sitting smack dab next to Lenny. Not only that, but I'm facing him - we're sitting on opposite sides of two tables that are right next to each other. Taking everyone's advice, I held my head high and said hello in a very friendly way when I walked in and saw him here, and he gave me the cold shoulder. Either he's embarrased or angry that I didn't call him back, or I just thought about this: what if he read this blog and knows that I've told everyone about him? It's not totally implausible. (I think that's the first time I've ever used that word. Did I use it correctly?)

You know, I miss the early days of savekaryn.com, when my website was anonymous and I could write and say whatever I wanted about anyone and not worry about them reading it. Now I have to worry about hurting people's feelings and stuff, and I can't write about any of my dates for fear of the guys I'm dating reading it. Hmmm... maybe another another anonymous blog is in order.

Okay, I hate typing on my Blackberry, so more on this later.

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld.

Previously: My Starbucks Office - Part II, My Starbucks Office: An Open Letter to Starbucks Corporate

My Starbucks Office II: Confronting Lenny

I'm taking everyone's advice and going to my favorite Starbucks right now. I WILL NOT BE DRIVEN OUT BY LENNY! I'll let you know how it goes.

Previously: My Starbucks Office: An Open Letter to Starbucks Corporate

UPDATE: I tried to write this update from the Starbucks, but someone turned off the free wireless since Lenny drove me out. Okay, here's what happened...

First, I planned my "look." I didn't want to look good so I didn't take a shower and put my hair up in a pony tail. (I didn't even smooth out my bed head before doing so.) Next, I pulled a dirty pair of cargo pants that I wore to the zoo on Saturday out of the laundry basket and put them on with the hopes of smelling like a monkey. I briefly thought about not brushing my teeth, but that's just gross, so I did. On top I wore a red long-sleeved t-shirt with no bra. Truth be told, the "no bra" thing might've turned Lenny on more, but I didn't feel like wearing one. (I don't know why I just told you that detail.)

Anyway, I was prepared to see and repulse Lenny. However... Lenny wasn't there. He wasn't there when I arrived and he wasn't there when I left. And you know what? I found myself getting angry about it. I mean, it took a lot of courage to go back to Starbucks. And he's there every damn day - why not yesterday? I was ready for a confrontation, whether it be a nod or a "hello" or a "why'd you blow me off, bitch?" I was ready, Lenny - WHERE WERE YOU??

I'm going to go back to Starbucks tomorrow, and every day after that until I see him. Now I'm on a mission.

My Starbucks Office: An Open Letter to Starbucks Corporate

It's hard to work from home, it is. Someone is always calling (usually my mom) or stopping by (usually my drug dealer) and interrupting what I'm doing. (Kidding about the drug dealer. Really.) And then there's the kitchen. It's always needs cleaning. And don't even get me started on the cat. For some reason he feels that he MUST MUST MUST sit between me and the computer and lie down over my forearms while I'm typing. These things combined with the fact that Oprah's on at four are enough to make even the most dedicated person unproductive. Because of this, I frequently visit my local Starbucks to get work done.

It's my Starbucks office, that's what I call it. There are branches all over town. Yes, I'm one of those people who camp out at a table all day, one of those people who prevent you from finding a seat when you stop by in the middle of the afternoon for your non-fat mocha. Sorry. But I buy things all throughout the day; I try to earn my keep.

Okay, so on with my story. I've been going to this one Starbucks by my apartment forever. I like it because it's close to where I live, I get free wireless there, and it's cozy and neighorhoody. Other writers (my co-workers) go there as well, but I don't know their names. It's kind of like an unspoken rule--we're there to write, not chat, so we watch one another's stuff during bathroom runs (a huge disadvantage of going to a 'bucks where you don't know anyone is that you have to pack up every time you go to the bathroom, which happens WAY too frequently because you're drinking so much damn coffee because you don't want to be kicked out, so you usually lose your table by the time you get back), we share tables when it's crowded--but we never EVER exchange names. I like this. Let me repeat: I LIKE THIS. And I thought my co-workers did to. But then came Lenny.

The fact that I know his name should tell you that this guy was nothing but trouble from the get-go. Yep. From the moment he arrived on the scene, Lenny was chatty, chatty, chatty. It was "What are you working on?" this and "How do you like your computer?" that and "Gosh, it sure is windy outside today, huh?" I wanted to turn him and yell, "FOCUS, Lenny! FOCUS! We're here to work!" But I didn't. Why not? Because I'm a people pleaser. I don't like to cause problems. I don't like tension. What I'm learning about myself as I get older is that I avoid confrontation at all costs.

Since I didn't want to be rude I answered Lenny's many questions, which of course led to the most dreaded one of all: "By the way... what's your name?" As my co-workers shot me worried glances that said, What in the hell is he doing???, I felt a pit form in my stomach. I wasn't sure what to say. If I told him my name did it mean we were going to be friends? I mean, I'm always up for making new friends... but not with Lenny, not with chatty, chatty Lenny.

Against my better judgment I told Lenny my name, which led to an even MORE dreaded question: "Would you like to get a drink sometime?" Would I WHAT? Did I hear him correctly? Many of my co-workers choked on their chai tea lattes and looked away. I mean, this was our place of employment for God's sake. I was in a predicament. If I said no to Lenny's drink, it would be rude because it's kind of like saying, "I don't want to be your friend." If I said, "No, I have a boyfriend," then it would be presumptuous of me to assume that Lenny was looking for something romantic. So anyway, I said yes. As I started to write down my e-mail address, he interrupted and asked for my phone number. My PHONE NUMBER. I mean, sh*t -- right? I couldn't say I didn't have a phone because it was sitting right in front of me, so I gave it to him.

Lenny called about a week later. I was on the other line at the time and told him I'd call him back, but I forgot. By the time I remembered, his number had disappeared from my call history. Since then, I haven't gone back to the 'bucks for fear of a "confrontation." I'd have to say something about not calling him back, and then he'd say, "Oh, it's no big deal, really," and then I wouldn't be able to work because it would be awkward and I'd be all worried about it.

I walk by my favorite Starbucks a lot (always on the other side of the street, of course) and look in the windows--Lenny's always there. Fucker. He drove me out. And I was there first. I've tried to transfer to some other office branches in the neighborhood, but I haven't had much luck. The Starbucks on Court Street in Brooklyn Heights is really drafty, and the one on Montague is okay, but I have to pay for wireless internet there and it's kind of far.

All of this leads me to one thing: Starbucks needs a human resources department. It's as simple as that. I'm not asking for baristas to announce my appointments, screen my calls, or validate parking for my clients or anything--I just need a place to go to air my grievances, you know? I need someone to complain to when the techie with the Mac, iPod, Blackberry and phone hogs all the outlets. I need someone to complain to when people like Lenny ask me out on a date. Hell, I don't even need a whole department--one person would do. So if anyone reading this has pull at Starbucks corporate, please try to make this happen. I'd be happy to come to a board meeting and make my case. Thank you.

Most Popular Posts

So you're new here and you don't know who I am, or if you should check this blog frequently, or subscribe, or what have you. Well, to make your decision easier, I've compiled a list of what I think have been the most popular posts here at pretty* in the city, which you'll find below.

I'd start at the top and work your way down. Or you can start in the middle and jump around if you'd like. Or you can even start at the end—that's usually where I start things.

If You Happened to Be in SoHo Yesterday

20 Times is the Aero Book Club Pick!

Patience

And That's Why I Hate You, Sheila Mulligan

New Support Group

My Starbucks Office: An Open Letter to Starbucks Corporate

Conversations With Your Pets

Didn't I See You On Cops?

Kanye West: Cult Member or Medium Vagina Conspirator?

To Catch a Mouse
...and the rest of the "I Have a Mouse" series:
I HAVE A MOUSE!!!!!
Mouse Update
Another Mouse Update
Zzzz... This is Your Brain on Drugs
A Final Mouse Update

Hassie Posse
...and other "Word Fun" posts.

Confession: Imaginary Friends

Brooklyn Bridge & My Boobies

I'm a Special, Special Girl

One Classy Broad