It's hard to work from home, it is. Someone is always calling (usually my mom) or stopping by (usually my drug dealer) and interrupting what I'm doing. (Kidding about the drug dealer. Really.) And then there's the kitchen. It's always needs cleaning. And don't even get me started on the cat. For some reason he feels that he MUST MUST MUST sit between me and the computer and lie down over my forearms while I'm typing. These things combined with the fact that Oprah's on at four are enough to make even the most dedicated person unproductive. Because of this, I frequently visit my local Starbucks to get work done.
It's my Starbucks office, that's what I call it. There are branches all over town. Yes, I'm one of those people who camp out at a table all day, one of those people who prevent you from finding a seat when you stop by in the middle of the afternoon for your non-fat mocha. Sorry. But I buy things all throughout the day; I try to earn my keep.
Okay, so on with my story. I've been going to this one Starbucks by my apartment forever. I like it because it's close to where I live, I get free wireless there, and it's cozy and neighorhoody. Other writers (my co-workers) go there as well, but I don't know their names. It's kind of like an unspoken rule--we're there to write, not chat, so we watch one another's stuff during bathroom runs (a huge disadvantage of going to a 'bucks where you don't know anyone is that you have to pack up every time you go to the bathroom, which happens WAY too frequently because you're drinking so much damn coffee because you don't want to be kicked out, so you usually lose your table by the time you get back), we share tables when it's crowded--but we never EVER exchange names. I like this. Let me repeat: I LIKE THIS. And I thought my co-workers did to. But then came Lenny.
The fact that I know his name should tell you that this guy was nothing but trouble from the get-go. Yep. From the moment he arrived on the scene, Lenny was chatty, chatty, chatty. It was "What are you working on?" this and "How do you like your computer?" that and "Gosh, it sure is windy outside today, huh?" I wanted to turn him and yell, "FOCUS, Lenny! FOCUS! We're here to work!" But I didn't. Why not? Because I'm a people pleaser. I don't like to cause problems. I don't like tension. What I'm learning about myself as I get older is that I avoid confrontation at all costs.
Since I didn't want to be rude I answered Lenny's many questions, which of course led to the most dreaded one of all: "By the way... what's your name?" As my co-workers shot me worried glances that said, What in the hell is he doing???, I felt a pit form in my stomach. I wasn't sure what to say. If I told him my name did it mean we were going to be friends? I mean, I'm always up for making new friends... but not with Lenny, not with chatty, chatty Lenny.
Against my better judgment I told Lenny my name, which led to an even MORE dreaded question: "Would you like to get a drink sometime?" Would I WHAT? Did I hear him correctly? Many of my co-workers choked on their chai tea lattes and looked away. I mean, this was our place of employment for God's sake. I was in a predicament. If I said no to Lenny's drink, it would be rude because it's kind of like saying, "I don't want to be your friend." If I said, "No, I have a boyfriend," then it would be presumptuous of me to assume that Lenny was looking for something romantic. So anyway, I said yes. As I started to write down my e-mail address, he interrupted and asked for my phone number. My PHONE NUMBER. I mean, sh*t -- right? I couldn't say I didn't have a phone because it was sitting right in front of me, so I gave it to him.
Lenny called about a week later. I was on the other line at the time and told him I'd call him back, but I forgot. By the time I remembered, his number had disappeared from my call history. Since then, I haven't gone back to the 'bucks for fear of a "confrontation." I'd have to say something about not calling him back, and then he'd say, "Oh, it's no big deal, really," and then I wouldn't be able to work because it would be awkward and I'd be all worried about it.
I walk by my favorite Starbucks a lot (always on the other side of the street, of course) and look in the windows--Lenny's always there. Fucker. He drove me out. And I was there first. I've tried to transfer to some other office branches in the neighborhood, but I haven't had much luck. The Starbucks on Court Street in Brooklyn Heights is really drafty, and the one on Montague is okay, but I have to pay for wireless internet there and it's kind of far.
All of this leads me to one thing: Starbucks needs a human resources department. It's as simple as that. I'm not asking for baristas to announce my appointments, screen my calls, or validate parking for my clients or anything--I just need a place to go to air my grievances, you know? I need someone to complain to when the techie with the Mac, iPod, Blackberry and phone hogs all the outlets. I need someone to complain to when people like Lenny ask me out on a date. Hell, I don't even need a whole department--one person would do. So if anyone reading this has pull at Starbucks corporate, please try to make this happen. I'd be happy to come to a board meeting and make my case. Thank you.
Feb 25, 2006
My Starbucks Office: An Open Letter to Starbucks Corporate
Feb 23, 2006
First Kisses
The New York Post's Page Six recently published a fun, short article about celebrity first kisses that got me thinking about my own first kiss. I was in seventh grade at the time. I had braces. I was at a school dance and this boy that I was CRAZY about asked me to dance. I, of course, said yes.
I remember what I was wearing, it was a hot little number I got from The Limited--a Forenza sweater in yellow and matching yellow pants (I looked like a banana)--and I remember that I had the biggest bangs ever. My best friend and I used to hairspray our bangs while blowing them straight up in the air with a blow dryer. They were like a wall. Anyway, I don't remember the song that was playing, but seeing as though it was 1985 I'm sure it was something like "Careless Whisper" or "Crazy for You." (It could've also been "Heaven" by Bryan Adams or "But I can't fight this feeling anymore..." Rock on REO. The wagon ruled, didn't they?)
The boy was taller than me and I'm sure my big bangs tickled his nose while we were moving to the music, but that didn't stop him from bending over and planting a big one on my lips. Nope. He went straight for my kisser with full force, and I remember thinking, What the hell?--I wasn't expecting him to slip me the tongue. It was a whole new sensation and even though I found it a bit strange, I enjoyed it. My lips tingled for the rest of the evening. My first kiss (who shall remain nameless) and I dated for a week or so, but unlike my big bangs, our relationship fell flat. Oh well.
TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FIRST KISS.
New York Post
February 11, 2006
WITH Valentine's Day coming up, Webster Hall's ubiquitous curator Baird Jones has amassed a juicy list of famous folks dishing on their very first smooch.
* Q'Orianka Kilcher, who was 14 when she played Pocahontas in "The New World," tells movies.com her first kiss ever was with lusty leprechaun Colin Farrell. "We were shooting, and all of a sudden, out of the blue, director Terrence Malick goes, 'OK, now kiss her, Colin,' " Q'Orianka recalls. "I totally froze up . . . I know my face went pale, and that was exactly the way Terrence had written it in the script." The smooch was cut out of the epic, but will surely be on the DVD.
* Tyra Banks was 13: "[My boyfriend] tried to kiss me at the movies, and he put his tongue in my mouth. It felt like a worm, like a slug in my mouth."
* Heather Graham: "I was 9. This boy I had a crush on said, 'If I give you a dollar, will you kiss me?' I said, 'I don't know.' Then he asked, 'What if I give you 50 cents?' I finally kissed him for free."
* Uma Thurman dished to Premiere magazine that she was 8: "It was brief, swift, and then it was done. It was a professional job. I needed to be kissed, and I was kissed."
* Charlize Theron recalled: "He had braces. It was in the back yard after we had just watched 'Friday the 13th.' His name was Nicky, and I'm like, 'You wanna do it, you wanna do it?' We're standing there arguing about it for so long, and it was just awful - darkness, saliva and tongue."
* Brad Pitt: "I was in the fourth grade. We actually made a plan at school and to meet in her garage and kiss. It was like this business deal. It took me half an hour to [find] courage to go. So I get there. I go right up to her. I kiss her. Then I ran home."
* Burt Reynolds tells the Enquirer he was in sixth grade: "Her name was Marilyn. She had beautiful black hair and one front tooth that was longer than the other. At a party we played spin the bottle, and I prayed it would stop in front of her. When it did, we kissed a long sweet kiss with everybody looking. She dumped me for a guy who already had hair under his arms."
* Jack Osbourne fondly reminisces: "I was 8, and it was with my sister's 11-year-old friend. I like older women."
* Matthew McConaughey had technical difficulties on his first try: "Old Amy had braces, and my lip got caught. I almost threw up, but it was all right."
Gross Words
My friend Sam just described something to me as being "moist" and it creeped me out. What words give you the heebies?
Feb 22, 2006
Dating Dictionary
I'm a HUGE fan of made-up words. I'm also a huge fan of Daily Candy. Every so often the clever clan behind this popular website sends out newsletters with fun words and phrases that they've heard people using. Many of these words have become a part of my daily vocabulary and some have even made it into my new book. Below is a list of some faves in the world of romance and sex. Read them, use them, and then (of course) visit Daily Candy when you're done.
bandwagoner
n. A once-single woman who traditionally swears off the holiday but is now happily coupled off and suddenly all about hearts, roses, and luuuv...
bonk statement
n. The reply you must give to the question that every prospective lover will casually pose after you first have sex. ("So, how many people have you slept with before me?")
boreplay
n. The worst kind of foreplay, which rarely, if ever, leads to intercourse.
bust bust
v. To be busted by your significant other for staring at another woman's breasts.
candy-boxer
n. A cop-out gifter. ("Good old George. He's a total candy-boxer, but I still love him.")
cryday the 13th
n. The day before Valentine's Day if you don't have a boy/girlfriend.
drailing
v. E-mailing when drunk.
DIZO
n. Acronym. Describes (busy, working, all-too-typical) couple: Dual Income, Zero Orgasm.
dressed to spill
adj. Used to describe a woman's precarious and flirtatious state of dress, wherein a great deal more than cleavage will likely be revealed. ("Look at Alexis' nonexistent top. That girl is dressed to spill tonight!")
drimming
v. Drunk instant-messaging.
earnest hemorrhage
n. A man who is oppressively forthcoming with every thought and feeling. Antonym: Ernest Hemingway, linguistically stingy author.
eggsnog
n. A makeout session that takes place under the influence of eggnog.
e-mauling
v. Stalking someone via e-mail.
fear goggling
n. The act of rushing into a relationship in order to avoid spending Valentine's Day alone.
fifty-footer
n. Someone who looks really attractive from 50 feet away. Closer examination reveals...
F.L.A.C.I.D.
n. Pronounced "flaccid." Acronym for Failed Lovers Against Caller ID. Don't say you haven't been there. We all have.
flighty Aphrodite
n. A favorite Valentine's date, she's undeniably attractive and intellectually challenged.
foxymoron
n. One who is incredibly dumb but incredibly cute, who simultaneously attracts and repels. ("I'm so ashamed. I hooked up with that foxymoron last night.")
gu
adj. Pronounced "goo" acronym for "geographically undesirable." ("Great guy and all, but totally gu - he lives all the way in Reseda!")
guyatus
n. A hiatus from guys. ("Thanks, but no thanks. I'm kind of on guyatus.")
helicopter girl/boyfriend
n. A significant other who finds it necessary to hover around his or her mate at all times. ("I'd love to come to girls' night, but my helicopter probably won't let me out of his sight.")
hetox/shetox
n. Taking a break from romance and its attending insanities. A.k.a. turning off the valve.
HIT
n. Homosexual-in-training. He may not know it yet, but everyone else does.
hobeau
n. A less-than-hygienic boyfriend. ("Better open the window. Here come Gloria and her hobeau.")
inebridate
v. To regularly and repeatedly have drunken intercourse (never sober) with the same person. ("If my liver could take it, I'd inebridate John for at least another couple of months.")
intie
n. The intimacy flu. Usually occurs 2 to 3 weeks into a budding dating relationship. Symptoms include unreturned phone calls, "mistakenly" deleted e-mails, and sleeping on far edge of the bed.
kama-suture
n. Aid for injuries sustained during aerobic bedroom exercises (particularly by non-aerobic types.)
locationship
n. A relationship based solely on proximity, such as with your neighbor.
love at first fight
n. Syndrome experienced by those drawn to each other by arguments and make-up sex.
maid of dishonor
n. The wedding attendant who alters her dress to show lots o' cleavage, then sleeps with the best man.
manbiguous
adj. A quality in a man by which his behavior, sexual and otherwise, raises question about his sexual orientation.
margariter
v. To serve a margarita for the express purpose of loosening up. Alt. margaritim. ("He's just sitting in the corner, Sally. If you're interested you're going to have to margaritim.")
mistleho
n. Someone who hangs around under the mistletoe, waiting to get kissed. ("Eve was being such a mistleho at the company party that no one else could get any play from the cute tech guys.")
ranky
adj. Gross, nasty; hybrid term - raunchy meets skanky.
restaur-romp
n. A date that gets out of hand at a dinner table and/or bar area. ("After two bottles of wine my date turned into a full-on restaur-romp.")
reverse evolution princes
n. Men who at first seem to be princes but turn out to be frogs.
Saturday night fever
n. Often followed by a real fever, the delirium that comes over some women as they get (un)dressed for a Saturday night on the town, believing that the temperature is as much as twenty degrees warmer than it actually is.
scamentine
n. Someone who always has a random hookup on Valentine's Day.
scum
n. Self-Centered Urban Male.
smellibacy
n. A state of involuntary celibacy brought on by bad hygiene. ("Jake has only himself to blame. His three-year dry spell is a clear case of smellibacy.")
staremaster
n. Gym dandies who constantly check themselves out in the mirror. ("If that staremaster touches his pecs one more time...")
stray
n. A heterosexual male who everyone secretly thinks is gay.
textual harassment
n. A proposition via text message; received, generally speaking, quite late in the evening. Similar to a textual advance, only far more annoying.
Valenspammer
n. Shallow sentimentalist who sends valentines to everyone he/she knows. ("Don't be flattered by Pat's card. He/She is a notorious Valenspammer.")
"He/She is a lot of yabba dabba and not a lot of do."
adj. Used to refer to someone who is all talk and no action.
Feb 21, 2006
20 Times a Lady Movie Deal
Okay, I know I've been missing for a while, but I've been CRAZY busy. I'll update you on my trip to LA in a bit, but first... I have exciting news. New Line Cinema has optioned the rights to my new book, 20 Times a Lady, for a feature film and hired me to write the screenplay. Yay!
Here are links to the articles in today's trades:
(If you don't have a subscription to HR,
you can read a screencap of the article here.)
I'm obviously very excited and I'm thrilled to be working with people who love the book. I put my heart and soul into writing it (it took me a year to do so) and I hope everybody likes it.