Going out to California... gonna let the water warm my clothes...

Okay, the title of this post is the first four lines of a fabulous song called California by Josh Ritter. His Hello Starling CD is a favorite of mine and I highly suggest you download it or buy it if you like music like David Grey.

Anyway... on to my trip. I made it to California. I left my apartment an hour after the MTA workers went on strike and was able to get a cab to the airport.

Kick. Butt.

As for Jet Blue... I didn't have a very good experience. For one, I know it's not their fault, but an extremely large woman (extremely large; like 400 pounds large) was sitting next to me on the plane and took up half my seat. I couldn't use my direct TV because she was sitting on the arm rest with all the control buttons on it, so I just stared at a blank screen for five hours. She was overly nice and obviously self-conscience about it so I felt bad and didn't say anything. However I do think the airline should've at least given her an aisle seat or something--the poor woman was sitting in the middle seat.

The second reason I'm not a fan of Jet Blue is because they screwed up my luggage. For some stupid reason they didn't put all the bags on the plane, so when I got to Burbank I had to wait in a long line with about thirty other passengers and fill out some paperwork so they could deliver it to me. I got it about twelve hours later. Considering I have a dog and all of her food, etc. was inside, it was a huge inconvenience. Anyway, I think I'm going to write them a letter and tell them I was unhappy. Maybe they'll give me a voucher or something.

I went to Bikram yoga this morning with my friend (Mark), and Patrick Dempsey was not in my class. Nor was the mom from E.T. Nor was the kid from Boy Meets World. I know it was first time and all, but I'm already starting to wonder if Mark is lying about these people being in the class. Anyway, seeing as though I kept falling over because I have no balance, I suppose it's better Patrick Dempsey wasn't there. I mean, how's he going to fall in love with me if he knows I'm a klutz? I'm going to practice my poses tonight so when I do see him I'll be much better. On a funny side note, all throughout class the instructor kept telling me that I smelled good and asked what I was wearing. I told her it was my new deodorant.

What do the F train, Jet Blue, Bikram yoga, Patrick Dempsey, Mini-Coopers and the mom from E.T. have in common?

Nothing, really.

I have to admit, I'm a subway girl, I am. I used to take taxis everywhere, but ever since I did that website thing a few years ago, I've become a subway girl. It's affordable, it takes you where you need to go, you get to know the city better by riding it--oh, and don't even get me started on the people. You see so many interesting characters on the subway--it's an entire world that exists underneath New York.

Anyway, wouldn't you know it... the transit workers are threatening to strike tonight at midnight and I'm leaving on a jet plane (go Peter, Paul and Mary) tomorrow morning at 6:30 am for sunny Los Angeles. (Actually it'll probably be a 747 or something, not a jet.) I like to fly out of JFK because I live above the subway--literally, like my apartment shakes when it goes by--so all I have to do is go downstairs, walk to the corner and get on the train. One transfer and $7 later, I'm there. If these people strike tonight, then my arse is going to be on Smith Street at 4 am with a dog and suitcase looking for a taxi. It'll cost me about $50 to get to the airport, btw.

Dammit. I need to look for the rainbow in all this. I'm going to be in warmer weather for a month. And I'm flying Jet Blue for the first time which I'm really excited about. And my friend and I are going to go to Bikram yoga every single day. Bikram yoga is hot yoga, where they crank up the heat. Apparently some people do it in their underwear, but I'm not going to be one of those people. You wanna know why? Because Patrick Dempsey was in his class a few days ago. Yepper. The last thing I need is to be doing a downward dog with my butt stuck in Patrick Dempsey's face.

No. Thank. You.

The mom from E.T. is in his class, too. Dee Wallace-Stone. Here's a funny story. My friend drives a Mini-Cooper. Apparently Mini-Cooper drivers all wave at each other. (God knows why... those LA whackos and their cars.) One day after leaving yoga, Dee kept waving at him, and he's like, "Why is the mom from E.T. waving at me?" After a while he figured it out--Dee drives a Mini-Cooper.

By the way, have you ever wondered what happed to Rider Strong, aka Shawn Hunter from Boy Meets World? Well, he's in Bikram too, and I'm gonna find out what he's been up to.

Anyway, I'll keep you posted as to how Bikram yoga goes. And Jet Blue. And the subway ride.

20 Times a Lady

By the way, some people have asked about the new book... I'll let you know all about it after the new year!

Favorite Drunk Lines

So my friend called me at 5am. She lives in LA, so it was 2am there. She was drunk, upset about some guy, and had just gotten home. Of all her blabbering nonsense, my favorite thing that she said was...

"I know I'm drunk, but I don't know what I'd do without my dog."

From My Dog, Bev

Yo bitches. It's come to my attention that some of you have been asking about me. My name is Beverly and I'm three years old.

Here's a day in my life:

Morning:
9:00 am - Wake up and go potty.
9:05 am - Look at breakfast.
9:06 am - Quickly scan apartment floor to see if any food was dropped since the last time I was awake.
9:10 am - Go back to bed.
10:00 am - Realizing Mommy isn't going to replace the same sh*tty breakfast I get every day with eggs or something exciting, get up and eat.
10:14 am- Burp.
10:15 am - Sleep off kibble-induced food coma.

Afternoon:
12:00 pm - Wake up and beg Mommy while she eats lunch.
12:03 pm - Scarf down a piece of tofu.
12:30 pm - Pissed all Mommy gave me was one piece of tofu, harass cat to work out anger.
1:00 pm - Sunbathe --------------->
1:30 pm - Catch some shut eye before afternoon walk.
2:00 pm - Anxious to be on afternoon walk, drop a steamy load as soon as I get outside.
2:15 pm - Stop walking because I'm fat and out of shape.
2:16 pm - Get carried for rest of walk .
2:25 pm - Treat apartment like Indy 500 and run laps around it to celebrate being home.
2:27 pm - Thrash around on bed for a while.
2:28 pm - Sneeze.
2:29 pm - Exhausted from walking, running and thrashing, pass out.

Evening:
5:20 pm - Arise from slumber.
5:30 pm - Look at dinner.
5:31 pm - Seeing it's the same sh*t I always get, glare at Mommy.
5:33 pm - Quickly scan apartment floor to see if any food was dropped since the last time I was awake.
6:00 pm - Beg Mommy while she eats dinner.
6:10 pm - Yes, yes, yes! Now we're talking... Lick Mommy's plate clean.
6:30 pm - Realizing there wasn't much food on Mommy's plate, eat my own dinner to satisfy grumbling stomach.
7:00 pm - Harass cat again just for being a moron:
7:30 pm - Do some paw work: Lick between toes.
7:45 pm - Nap on back to make belly available for rubs.

If you're incredibly bored, you can learn more about me here: Bev's Dogster Page.

I Have a Secret

I got this new deodorant and it smells so good that I want to eat my armpits. It's called Secret Platinum. The scent is Glacier Mist. I took a picture of it with my new phone. To make it more exciting, I had Elvis sit in the background.

All Things Itis

So sorry for my absence. I had a terrible sinus infection that took forever to get over. Ewww. Sounds gross, doesn't it? Someone needs to come up with a better name for a sinus infection, because that and "sinusitis" both sound pretty disgusting.

Speaking of all things "itis"... While I was at the T-Mobile store yesterday getting a new cell phone (mine broke), some guy walked up to me and said hello. When he asked my name I, of course, told him my pretend name, Suzanne, because I don't tell strangers my real name--it's just not safe. When I did, he said, "Well hello, Suzanne, my name is Leonitis."

Yes, Leonitis.

I don't know how you spell it--Leonidis, Leonitus, Lianitis--who knows? All I know is that it sounds like a venereal disease. If that were your name, wouldn't you go by Leo? Or Leon? I mean, why Leonitis?

Anyway, you should've seen him. He was dressed to kill. He was wearing a gold hat that matched his gold suit that matched his gold shoes. He was what I would call "ghetto fabulous." I should've snapped a picture of him. Next time I will because my new phone has a camera in it.

Because I'm an enormous dork and love all things pink, I got the magenta Razr phone by Motorola. I ended up getting it for under $100 because my broken phone was still under warranty and I was eligible for an upgrade. It's so shiny and pretty. Anyway, I took a picture with it to share with all of you. Here it is:



I live in Cobble Hill, a neighborhood in Brooklyn. The photo was taken out my window, which faces northwest. Here's a map so you can get your bearings. Click on it to make it bigger:


Anyway, now people can stalk me. Kidding. Like anyone would.

What's in Your Custom Dictionary?

For some odd reason I ended up in the "custom dictionary" in Microsoft Word on my computer and had to laugh at the words I've added to it...

ain't
Bennifer
Beyonce
Bigalow (as in Deuce)
babelicious
bejesus (as in "you scared the bejesus out of me!")
Camaro
Cheetos
Cortlandt (as in Palmer from All My Children)
dammit
Dollywood
dufus
Emeril (as in BAM!)
Ewww
ewww (I have both capped and not capped)
Farrah (as in my second favorite Angel. My first.)
ficus (as in the ugly fake floor plant everyone had in the early 90s)
foxymoron
freakin' (as in "that's freakin' fantastic!")
gangsta
gimme
gonna
gotta
grody
hoochie
hula (as in hula hoop)
iPod
Keaton (as in Alex P. from Family Ties not Michael)
Keds (as in they need to be outlawed)
loco
Manero (as in Tony from Saturday Night Fever)
Marky (as in mark and the funky bunch)
mojo
Mousketeer
numchucks
outta
Parton (as in Dolly)
Plinko (as in the Price is Right game)
Powter (as in "Stop the insanity!" Susan)
Punk'd
Retton (as in Mary Lou)
Richie (as in Lionel)
Sambuca
Sipowicz (as in Detective Andy from NYPD Blue)
Speedwagon (as in REO)
Tinkerbell
Tinseltown
Vespa
Wagoneer
wanker
wanna
Yorkie

And then I found these questionable words...

Percocet
Percodan
Vicodin
Xanax

What words are in your custom dictionary? Open Microsoft Word --> Select "Tools" from the pulldown menu at the top --> Options --> Spelling & Grammar --> Custom Dictionaries --> Make sure "CUSTOM.DIC" is checked --> Modify...

Real Album Covers

I wonder what would happen if Joyce...


met Ken...

I bet they'd make sweet love.

Confession: Imaginary Friends

On a recent episode of Desperate Houswives, Felicity Huffman learns that her son has an imaginary friend named Mrs. Mulberry. While watching, I couldn't help but feel sorry for the kid for being such a little whacko. I mean, I never had an imaginary friend when I was little. However...

I do distinctly remember pretending to be a dog when I was about eight years old or so. I'm not sure exactly what led me to doing this, but I remember crawling around the house on my hands and knees, following the dog around, doing everything she did... I barked at the paper boy, drank water from a bowl on the floor, licked my paws - I mean hands - clean. I tired of this quickly and only did it for a day, but still...

Yesterday I asked my sister if she remembered the day that I was a dog. After looking at me funny, she told me no, but made me feel better by saying that when she was recently in Babies "R" Us, she saw a kid doing the same thing. Apparently his mom had to whistle for him when it was time to go. At least I kept my behavior in the house.

Anyway... Similar stories? Share...

BTW... I'm a Gabrielle. Which one are you?

MMMBop!

<----It's nice to see the boys of Hanson working again.

Shoes, Shoes, Shoes

New York magazine went inside Candace Bushnell's shoe closet and this is what it looked like. I love it! I love that the woman who created Carrie Bradshaw has a normal shoe closet. I guess expected it look more like Kimora Lee Simmons' closet. In case you wondering, over to the left is what my shoe closet in Brooklyn looks like. I had some kid who works at the local hardware store cut some wood to make shelves. It's not very fancy, but then again, neither am I.

Puppy Purses

This is wrong. Just wrong.

pamperpedpuppy.com

Didn't I See You on Cops?

I got an email recently from a college roommate of mine, a girl I haven't talked to in ten years. This is what it said, and this is all it said:

"Did I see you and Pearce tonight on Cops Las Vegas? Just wondering... Hope your doing well. Tanya"

Hmmm... is it just me, or is it inappropriate to ask someone you haven't spoken to or seen in over ten years if they were on Cops?

She sent the email via savekaryn.com, so she obviously heard about the website/book, but she didn't address it, or write her last name on the email, or remind me who she was like, "Hey remember me? We lived together our freshman year. How have you been?" No. All she said was, "Did I see you on Cops?"

I didn't watch the episode, so I wasn't sure why she thought my friend Pearce and I were on, so I called a different friend who did watch and asked why someone would think we were. When I did, he started laughing and said, "The only people she could've possibly thought you were is a couple who got caught buying crystal meth from a gas station attendant in Vegas."

Yes... Vegas... crystal meth... gas stations attendant.

What the hell is wrong with this girl??? My friend Pearce went on to get his masters degree, designed a lamp that was in a book and exhibited in a museum, and was on Martha Stewart Living once. As for me, I know I've had some finacial problems in the past, but I'm writing my second book right now. WE AREN'T METH HEADS. I was so offended by the email that I wanted to send a rude reply back, but I didn't. I was nice and tried to make light of the situation instead:

"No. We weren't on Cops. Ha ha ha. I didn't see it, what happened??? It makes me worried you would think it was us though... those people can be quite tragic. How are you?"

I was expecting her response to be something along the lines of "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be insulting, yada, yada, yada," but this is what I got:

"Hey Girl, What's up Karyn, I had Cops on in the background (I never watch Cops!) and I heard a guy who reminded me of Pearce. I have not seen or spoken to him since College but as soon as I heard this voice, I looked up and saw a guy who did look like him. I kept watching this scene, and then it shows his friend (who could of been your double). It was crazy, I truly thought it was you both:) Anyway, I'm doing great. Still here in Chicago. Glad to see your doing well! Let me know next time you in town!”

She could have been my double? She seriously said that after I pointed out the people on the show can be quite tragic?

Bitch.

Tanya, I'm not gonna call you next time I'm in Chicago and I'm insulted that you thought I was on Cops. It's incredibly rude to say that to someone EVEN IF YOU THINK IT'S TRUE.

If anyone taped Cops Las Vegas, can get a screen capture of it, or a clip, please send it to me, I'm dying to see my meth smoking/shooting/sniffing (I don't even know how you do meth) double. Also, leave COMMENTS... what's the rudest thing someone's said to you?

20 Times a Lady is Finished!

Welcome to my new blog. Sorry for the absence. I've been very busy writing my new book, "Twenty Times a Lady," and am happy to announce it's finally done. Yay! Exhale.

I've been like a zombie, holed up in my apartment, finishing it. Seriously. The most exciting part of my days has been going to Rite-Aid, deciding what snacks I should get...

"Should I get regular Diet Coke or Diet Coke with Lime?"
"Should I get Jujubees or Jujyfruits?"
"Or should I live on the wild side and get Dots?"

I wish I could say I'm kidding... Anyway, now that it's finally done, I'm hoping my life will get more exciting.