Toilet Stuff

I just went to a little gift shop down the street and asked the Korean lady who owns it if she had any Twilight stuff. I'm going to see New Moon tonight with my neighbors (dorks) and would totally buy us some "Team Edward" shirts to wear if they had them.

"Toilet stuff, no," she said.

"No, Twilight stuff," I said again, because she doesn't speak or understand English very well.

"Yes," she said, like she knew what I meant. And then she squatted like she was taking a dump. "I say toilet stuff, no!"

So I don't think she understood me?

Mosquito

I'm being tormented by a mosquito.

He's been in my apartment for two or three days now.

I saw him once in the bathroom and swatted at him and missed.

And then last night, I was sitting on the sofa and suddenly got three mosquito bites on my arm. And then today I got another on my leg.

So then I started to wonder, What if it's not a mosquito at all? What if I have bugs in my apartment? So I cleaned the entire place from top to bottom. It took me hours. And guess what? No bugs.

So now I'm sitting on a chair (I have to let the upholstery cleaner on the sofa dry), and about two minutes ago, a mosquito landed on my boob.

I swatted and missed.

F*ck.

Exclusive Book Excerpt

Exclusive excerpt from Rub My Belly (And Then Feed Me Cheese): The Beverly Bosnak Story:

Chapter Two

Bacon is good. Imitation bacon (i.e., Beggin' Strips) is just as good.

Beverly's Memoirs

Beverly is working on her memoirs.




She's not sure if she should call it I Love Cheese: The Beverly Bosnak Story or Rub My Belly (And Then Feed Me Cheese): The Beverly Bosnak Story.

I asked her if she needed help writing it but she told me to go away, that she needed her privacy.







Despite this, I took a peek at her manuscript when she was napping earlier and found this:

Chapter One

I love cheese. String cheese, American cheese, cottage cheese... nothing sends me to the kitchen faster than cheese. Except bacon.

Clearly it's going to be riveting.

Elvis

Sometimes Elvis sits and stares at these pictures for hours. I think he's watching me through the reflection. (Which is kind of creepy.)




Look how close he gets.




Cats are so weird.

Cutest Kids Ever

Nora is getting sooooo tall. She's 4-1/2 and comes up to my ribs.

Bev Can Do The Worm!

And Elvis does a killer helicopter. (Is that what it's called?)

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Happy Tuesday

I found this in a drawer. I tore it out of a magazine some time ago.

The average woman smiles 62 times a day.
A man? Only eight.
Kids laugh around 400 times daily.
Grown-ups, just 15.
Smilers in school yearbooks are more likely to have successful careers and marriages than their poker-faced peers."

Smile and laugh today!

Whitney

Dad, I'm five and I've NEVER been in a limo."

—My friend Corey's five-year-old daughter Whitney, who's apparently been watching too much Hannah Montana

Here's her sweet little face: