Celebrity Sighting: Joe Simpson

...sort of. I'm at Starbucks on 57th and Seventh right now and I just saw stage-dad Joe Simpson.

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld.

For Like Ever, A Perverted Mouse Trap, Stuff On My Cat

Hey all! Sorry for being M.I.A. I've been crazy finishing up the screenplay for 20 Times a Lady and should be done any day, so I'll give you an update on how things are going then. Until then, three quick things:

1) I've indulged in a little retail therapy to help deal with stress. Don't worry—I only spent $25 on a print/poster that I saw on the cover of Domino magazine. It's pink and pretty and says "For Like Ever" on it. What can I say?—it spoke to me. Strange things make me happy. I'm going to frame it. Here's a photo of it on the cover of the mag and alone:


Isn't it cool? It's apparently more pink than it appears to be on the cover. If you like it, you can get your own at Village. (If you get one, tell Chester that Karyn Bosnak sent you. I spoke to him on the phone and he couldn't have been nicer!)


2) My across-the-hall neighbor Charles has a mouse. Since it's not in my apartment, I don't think he should kill it. In searching for a humane trap on the internet, I came across the following one called a Teter Pong.



Um... is it just me, or does it look like a big black dildo?


And, finally...

3) Re: stuffonmycat.com... THEY ARE DEAD TO ME.

Stuff On My Cat - Part III

Those mother f_ _ _ kers!@!!!^%$!!

"Fed up with his mother's insane determination to get him on stuffonmycat.com, Elvis puts on his favorite poncho and tries to ship himself to Mexico to escape."

Stuff On My Cat - Part II

I will not stop until they accept my cat.

Help me finish the caption:

"With summer's end quickly approaching, Elvis..."

MySpace Guys

Okay, I don't know what's going on, but within the last twenty minutes, about ten single men want to be my friend on MySpace. Did they post my profile in a recently updated area or something like that? I might be excited if the guys were my type, but...

"Steve," who's 40 and lives in Massachusetts, wants to meet—and I quote—"some sexy rich bitch that enjoys sex."

"*Ask Me How Big My C0CK Is*" is a 17-year-old kid from Queens who... well, his profile doesn't say anything else except, "Ask Me How Big My C0CK Is."

"XxX MeLts In YoUr MoUth XxX"—although at 21 is a bit older and therefore more qualified than *Ask Me How Big My COCK Is*—wrote, "I know i younger than you but am into older women." His profile says, "I go to school and work so stop thinking that im a loser." Some of his pastimes include "hanging out with my niggas, eat, sleep, girls, and more girls."

How do I choose?

Stuff On My Cat, Animal Haven, UNICEF

So, how can this stupid cat get posted at stuffonmycat.com and not Elvis?

(In all fairness, the cat probably isn't stupid—the owners are for being uncreative, and stuffonmycat.com is for not choosing to post pictures of my fluffer-muffin and Jesus.)

I guess that means I'll have to go another round with Elvis and really dress him up.

In other news, thank you to...

Megan Pratt
Alexia Koukopoulos
Loretta Haberman
Kelly Hindson, and
Sheila Rambeck

for each buying $20 worth of raffle tickets for Animal Haven's raffle at the end of the month. Your tickets and 20 Times notebooks are on their way, ladies!

Also, I never updated everyone on the UNICEF team. Mindy Hupp, who became co-captain by donating $100, will also get a 20 Times notebook, as will Michelle Dougherty. Listen to this, remember in Save Karyn when I sold my Gucci purse on eBay, and the person who bought it paid me for it and then told me to keep it? Well, that's Michelle. She lives in Chicago and not only came to my book signing, but also gave me a check to UNICEF for $650. Yes, $650! Because I mailed it in, the amount didn't post to the team, but nonetheless, the team has ultimately raised $1,915 for UNICEF. Kick. Butt.

Speaking of the Chicago book signing, I forgot to write my update. Gosh, I'm so forgetful. You'd think I smoke pot. I don't. I'll write that Chicago update later. Really.

Jesus On My Cat

I've been taking pictures of Elvis for stuffonmycat.com, and I can't decide which pic to send in. The series is titled "Jesus On My Cat." Which one is your favorite?

I've numbered the pictures 1-5. Click on them to make them bigger.

Jesus On My Cat 1



Jesus On My Cat 2



Jesus On My Cat 3



Jesus On My Cat 4



Jesus On My Cat 5

I think I like the last one best because he's like, "What the hell's on me?" He finally seems to realize something's going on.

Mindless Instant Messages

I just let out the biggest man-burp ever.

(This is the kind of mindless info I share with my friends through IM.)

Vivez-vous en France ou un territoire français?

One of my blogging friends, Cami, is trying to order a CD from the French Virgin Music site and it won't let her because she lives in the US. If anyone who is reading this is located in Quebec or some other French Territory and would like to help Cami get this CD, please visit her MySpace page and let her know.

Cami's MySpace page

Thanks!

PS - I have no idea if my title is correct. I used an online translator to translate: "Do you live in France or a French territory?"

Barry Goldwater

One of my friends just told me that I remind him of Barry Goldwater. At first I was like, "Who the hell is that?" Once I figured it out and asked him why, he said, "I can't put my finger on it..."

I'm sure there's a slight insult/joke in there somewhere, but it's completely lost on me.

Does anyone have any idea what he could mean?

Barry Goldwater info

Weeds

One of my favorite new TV shows, Weeds, is returning for its second season tonight on Showtime. If you don't watch, you should—it's superb!

Oh, and one more thing... I watched Diary of a Mad Black Woman over the weekend. I know it came out like a year ago and I'm way behind the times, but it was seriously one of the funniest movies I've seen in years. Tyler Perry as Madea and Joe is priceless.

Die, Heartless Sicko, Die

UPDATE AT THE BOTTOM

Warning: Reading the following article may cause extreme anger.

Dog eats meat filled with pins

BTW, one of the charities I gave money to to "pay back" what I received from the original savekaryn.com site is Animal Haven, a NY-based no-kill animal shelter and sanctuary. (See thank you letter.) They're holding a raffle at the end of the month for a "Sun and Golf Weekend in Florida" (see flyer below) and sent me ten $2 tickets to sell. Does anyone want to buy them? It's $20 for 10 tickets. If so, I'll send you a 20 Times notebook in addition to the tickets.

UPDATE:
I only had 10 tickets, but I called Animal Haven and I can get more, so let me know if you want them! The cost is $20 for a book of ten, and I'll send a 20 Times a Lady notebook with them.

You can pay in two ways. If you want to PayPal me the money, send it to karyn@savekaryn.com. If you want to write a check directly to Animal Haven, do that but mail it to me so I can get your tickets with it. I plan on going to get the extra tickets on Saturday, so mail the check by tomorrow or something to sure I get the check by then.

PAYPAL:
Paypal $20 to karyn@savekaryn.com

CHECK BY MAIL:
Make check for $20 payable to Animal Haven, but send it to:

Karyn Bosnak
141 Smith St. Box 1
Brooklyn, NY 11201

Love, Sex, & My Ex Contest Winner - Week 7

Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner
(Or Leaves Her in Daytona Beach with No Money and a Hotel Bill)
When I was a 22-year-old gal working my way through college, I hitched a ride with a classmate to Daytona Beach for Spring Break. We were supposed to share gas costs and a hotel room, but when we arrived, she ditched me to visit her boyfriend at a nearby college. Because of this, I found myself alone with very little cash and an entire week’s hotel bill hanging over my head.

Realizing I needed some money and quickly, I went to a bar that had been playing up a big dance contest with $1,000 offered to the best couple. Since I'm a pretty good dancer, I figured all I needed was a decent partner and my problem would be solved. The bar had several levels, so I went all the way to the top so I could look down and check out the dance floors.

Right away, I spotted an older dude who could not only dance, but was gorgeous, too. Since he didn't seem to be "attached" to any one partner, I gave him the eye hoping he'd notice. BINGO!‚—he did. After he flashed me the biggest "How you doin‚’?" (ala Joey Tribbiani) smile, the two of us worked our way through the crowd to find one another. When I saw him up close for the first time, I think I actually swooned‚—he was much better looking that he was from across the room.

After a few practice dances and moves, "Joey" and I entered the contest and won not only that evening's $1,000 prize, but also won the top prize for the next two nights running. Since he was sharing a room with six guys from his school that hvacationingioning with, he moved into my solo room on the third night. It was then that I discovered that Joey's moves on the dance floor were only a fraction of what he knew and could perform in the bedroom.

After spending a blissful week together, both Joey and I went home with cash to spare. Since we lived less than three hours apart, he came to see me at my apartment off and on through the summer. By fall we were still seeing each other, so he asked me if I'd come to a formal dance at his school. I, of course, said yes. Since he still lived at home with the 'rents while working on his degree, I made a hotel reservation for us. I then bought a sexy gown, got a pedicure and wax job, and headed to his city for what I hoped would be an exciting weekend.

The night of the dance, Joey picked me up at the hotel in a hot vintage sports car and took me to dinner at an excellent five-star restaurant. Unfortunately for me, the evening took a turn for the worse when we arrived at his HIGH SCHOOL homecoming. Yes, HIGH SCHOOL. It seems that my hot guy was only 17 years old‚—16 when we met. It was just a small detail that I never asked and he failed to mention.

Not wanting to go to jail, I broke things off with Joey immediately and never saw him again. However, you'd better believe that I've asked every guy I've dated since then their age before doing the deed.

If I win the book and I'll try to contact him—he's "legal" by now.

Thank you

A big fat thank you goes out to Karina for sending me a copy of an Australian magazine called "Famous Weekly" that reviewed 20 Times a Lady. (They called it a "page turner" and said it was "hilarious.")

Another big fat thank you goes out to Alani who sent me a hard copy of the Chicago Sun-Times article by Debra Pickett where she chose 20 Times as her book pick for the "Smart Girls' Book Club."

I'm sending you both a notebook!

PS - I took a picture of Elvis sitting next to the stuff. He's been kinda pissed lately because he feels like Bev has been getting more face time on the blog than he has.

The Boys of Entourage Make Lists

Have you made your list yet?

Speaking of this, I just got these great little notebooks to giveaway:



Aren't they so cute? All of the winners of the Love, Sex, & My Ex contest will get one, but as for the others, I need to come up with a new contest. Any suggestions?

BTW, I wanna kiss Ari Gold and then slap him.

Gross Words - Part II

So Trippy McTrip (that's me) struck again on Sunday. After having two martinis on the roof of Hotel Gansevoort, I tripped (on my heels? on a pebble? on nothing—I'm just a lightweight and a klutz?) on 13th Street and completely wiped out. I'm not talking about a wobble here, I fell face-forward onto the pavement. Thankfully no one was walking ahead of me, behind me, or across the street from me, so I saved myself some embarrassment. However, because I was wearing a dress and open-toed shoes, I completely skinned my knee AND ruined my brand new pedicure. Dangit.

Okay, so anyway, I've been hobbling around my apartment for two days now, trying to recover from the knee wound (I'm over my botched toe nails), and I've discovered two more words that completely gross me out. Back in February I admitted to not liking the word "moist," today I'd like to add "ointment" and "ooze" to that.

You see, my skinned knee is oozing yellow goo. Yeah, gross. To make sure it doesn't become infected, I've been smearing ointment on it. Yeah, gross again. OINTment. I think it's the OINT part that makes it so yucky.

More words that gross you out?

Love, Sex, & My Ex Contest Winner - Week 6

The Love, Sex, & My Ex Contest is not dead! I will be posting one story each day this week to get caught up, so check back tomorrow for Week 7's selection. And now, on to this week's winner...

Don't Date Your Boss
by N. North

When I was in my mid-twenties, I worked at a restaurant while finishing school. I had a bad attitude about waiting tables but an IQ over 75, so the owner promoted me to part-time manager. The full-time manager, "Darren", and I carried on a friendly flirtation, and, once I was promoted, decided to try dating. Try dating. Not fall deliriously in love, get married, procreate and live happily ever after, no. Date. Within days of us taking this leap, the entire restaurant knew we had become romantic and instantly looked at us like we were a couple. Darren included.

After a week and a half went by, Darren and I slept together for the first time. Big mistake. Not only was the sex less than satisfying (read: no milk and cookies for me), but, while the man was still inside of me, he felt the need to tell me HE LOVED ME! Let me just say that ten days into dating and first time coitus is NOT the time to share this sentiment. I thought only psycho females pulled sh*t like this. Unsure of how to respond and in a panic (remember... I was in my mid-twenties and had a penis inside of me), I replied, "I love you, too." WHAT ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO SAY? I was pinned underneath the guy.

It gets better.

Did I mention that having sex with Darren was like being fucked by a balloon animal? Yeah, it was. Also, it seemed that Darren missed health class the day they taught condom application. During our three attempts at sex, he used what I call the "sock method" to put on the condom—he'd unroll it completely, bunch it up between his thumbs and forefingers, and proceed to "shimmy" down it onto his pecker, much like how one puts on a knee-high sock. The difference between the two, however, is that shimmying on a sock doesn't leave a big air bubble at the end like shimmying on a condom does. And no, the added length and girth of the air bubble didn't enhance the experience, I assure you.

After the three attempts at sex, I dumped Darren without explanation. Looking back now, perhaps I should've communicated my true feelings to him, explained the errors of his ways, drawn him a diagram—whatever. The bottom line is, don't date your boss, because if you think the sex is bad, dumping him is worse.

Heat Wave

It's ridiculously hot outside and I think I may pass. Away.

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld.

UPDATE: Mayor Bloomberg is on TV right now talking about the heat emergency. I know it's hot just about everywhere in the country right now, but I have seriously never, ever, ever experienced heat like this. It's unreal. I walked four blocks and thought I was going to die. I have no idea how the mailman does his job in this kind of heat.

UPDATE 2: Funny...

Judge Alex

So, I forgot to tell everyone...

While I was in Miami last week I went to dinner with Judge Alex. He lives there. My friend Mark works in development for Twentieth Television, the syndication division of Fox Television, and "Judge Alex" is one of the shows he helped create.

Anyway, everyone should watch "Judge Alex" because he's really nice and cool. Seriously. Most TV show hosts/personalities are... um, not very nice - I worked in the industry, I know - but Alex is very down-to-earth and real. His show is doing really well, too. In fact, it was the number one new first-run program of the 2005-06 season. (Can you tell I pulled that last line from an article I found online?)

Click here to watch a promo for Judge Alex.

Another show Mark is creating (which is actually the reason he was in Miami last week) is "Cristina's Court." There's a blurb about it in today's New York Post. It's premiering next month, so check your local listings.

Mark is also working on two new primetime novellas called "Fashion House" and "Desire" for myNetworkTV (a new Fox station.) Dynasty lovers take note - both sound juicy!

Read this article to get the gist of what a novella is, as well as find out why "Fashion House" is going to be awesome.

When you're done, watch the promos for "Fashion House" and "Desire".

Boycott China!

This is so horrible...

Chinese county clubs to death 50,000 dogs

If someone took Beverly from me while I was walking her, I would club them.

Sunday Chicago Sun-Times & August New Woman

Does anyone in Chicago have a copy of Sunday's Sun-Times? If so, can you send it to me? There's an article by Debra Pickett in it about my new book and I'd like to have a hard copy. (For my scrapbook. I really have one, I'm such a dork.) The article is kind of snarky, but all-in-all, it's a good review.

While I'm at it, does anyone in the UK have a hard copy of the August issue of New Woman magazine? If so, let me know!

Thanks!