We Are Like Chicken

My friend Sam had a birthday party last night and I used the opportunity to brag about my Oktoberfest war wound. I'm proud of it—is that weird?

I was telling someone how I saw flesh during the big accident and it wasn't what I expected. I expected us to be pink inside, a little like beef, but we're more like chicken, kinda white and fibrous.

Yeah, this is gross, I know.

Having seen the inside now, I have to wonder. Since we're not poultry, what are we? Are we more like pork?


PS - Please drop by Sam's blog and wish him a happy birthday. He's 30 now, a real man.

PPS - Just so you know, Sam's girlfriend Kristina has nothing to do with that gross website he mentions in his most recent post. Poor Kristina... I would never tolerate the abuse.

Oktoberfest War Wounds

I'm typing this with nine fingers.

My sister and brother-in-law had a big Oktoberfest party last night. While I came out of it fine, I did some damage during clean-up today and ended up in the emergency room.

Here are the girls and me last night...

Prost!

And here's me today, five stitches, a tetanus shot, and a finger splint later...

Hurting Girl

Ouch.

Okay, this is what happened. WARNING... if you get grossed out easily, stop reading.

So I was slightly hungover (too much Spaten), standing on a ladder with a pair of scissors in my hand. Not a good thing to do for the klutzy. I was attempting to cut a plastic fastener like this...


...off of a pole. The tie was a bit too thick to be cut with scissors, but I thought if I squeezed them together really hard I could get through it. Holding the scissors in my right hand and the plastic tie in my left, I did just that and squeezed and squeezed and then SNIP! I cut through the tie and removed a chunk of flesh from my finger right above the knuckle in the process.

The wound was pretty gross. My sister pretty much freaked out when she saw it, but I stayed surprisingly calm. My flesh looked like a chicken cutlet and I swear I could see the bone. Blech!!! But it didn't really hurt, it was just gross to look at. After the two of us cleaned it up, we wrapped my finger in gauze and then taped it to an emery board to it to keep it from bending. I then went back to cleaning. I swear. For a good hour, at least. But my finger wouldn't stop bleeding, so we thought it was best to go to the ER to have someone take a look at it just in case.

I ended up getting five stitches and I need to see a plastic surgeon tomorrow. Seriously. My official diagnosis is that I had an "elliptical-shaped soft tissue avulsion that had to be undermined."

Re: the "undermined" part... basically, the ER surgeon had to remove more flesh from inside the wound using a scalpel so he could bring the top edges of it together in a clean manner. So let's say that the wound looked like a "U" from the side. The doctor needed to make it look like a "V" so the top two edges could meet and be stitched without too much flesh between them. Does that make sense?

And re: the plastic surgeon... Because it's such a wide wound, bringing it together caused the skin on the opposite side of my knuckle to bunch up, making my finger looked deformed. The ER doctor said a plastic surgeon might want to make another incision across that side of my knuckle and remove the extra flesh so it matches the other side.

Yuck, yuck, yuck. It's all so gross. But get this... I didn't cry, whine or complain once during this entire ordeal, not even during my tetanus shot. I am so brave.

In case you're wondering, no, I'm not German. (Or I'm barely German—my Grandma was 1/2 German, so I'm 1/8, if anything.) My brother-in-law is German, however, and is going to be making this party an annual event. I'm going to tell everyone that I cut my finger by slamming down my beer stein because I think that's cool.

I'll keep you posted on the plastic surgeon.

One Size Fits Most

My sister and her husband are having an Oktoberfest party next month and ran across this beer stein hat while shopping for plates, cups, etc.

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Even though it's totally tacky (no, they aren't buying it), you have to read the description. It's pretty great.