My Mom The Computer Whiz

Oh my Gosh, I can't handle it—I CAN'T HANDLE IT!

My mom finally got her new computer and, for some reason, the modem stopped working today. After spending a painful—and I mean painful—20 minutes on the phone with her trying to help figure out what happened, I told her to call the cable company because the thing seemed to have died completely. She ended up having to take it in and trade it in for a new one, and when she got home, she called me frantically and was like, "What's the difference between a urethra and UCB?"

I was like, "Pardon me?"

"The new modem came with a urethra and a UCB. Which one should I use to hook it up?"

"Um, do you mean an Ethernet and a USB cord?"

"Yeah, that's it..."

God bless her. I'm sure I'll be the same way some day.

One Of These Things Is Just Like The Other...

Someone sent me the link to this book, Secrets of a Former Fat Girl, saying the cover looks just like 20 Times a Lady.


Ha ha—it does! They both have the same notebook background, font, and pink and yellow accent colors. (The blue along the right side of mine is actually part of a map on the next page.) I think that font is popular right now with book covers because I was at the book store this weekend and kept seeing it everywhere.

Anyway, has anyone read this book? It looks good. The author, Lisa Delaney, is an editor at Health magazine. From her website:

Once upon a time I was a fat girl...

I thought like a fat girl, acted like a fat girl—oh yeah, and I looked like one, too. But not any more. Through trial and error (lots of error!), I dropped 70 pounds and said good bye to the fat-girl image I had of myself. For almost 20 years now, I’ve been living like the powerful, confident, worthy woman I always was inside. And I’m ready to share my secrets with you. All the advice, information, inspiration, and motivation you need is just a click or two away!"

Hmmm... I may have to check this out. I just started a diet yesterday.

And How Much Did You Make Last Year?

I totally need to start selling drugs.

Bling!

Ever wondered what $205 million USD in cold, hard cash looks like? US authorities seized this huge stash - thought to be the biggest of its kind in the world - in Mexico. The money, in $100 bill denominations, was found hidden behind walls and in cupboards of a luxurious mansion owned by a Chinese pharmaceutical tycoon accused of making millions by trading in massive quantities of a chemical used to make methamphetamine.

Simpsonize Me

So I'm sure you've all heard of the Simpsonizeme site by now. You can upload a picture of yourself and have it transformed into a Simpson's character. It's been flooded with visitors since it's launch and running a bit slow, but after several tries last night, I was able to get through and Simpsonize myself.

Instead of using a recent photo, I instead chose to upload my second grade school picture. I'm sure you can already see it, so let me explain: my mom was really into home perms when I was little and they never turned out very well. With that, here goes:

Me in second grade with a bad home perm and me in second grade with a bad perm, Simpsonized:

Ha ha! It's kind of funny, but I don't think it's very spot on. The site allows you to alter it, so I did. Here's a side-by-side-by-side of the results:


Have you Simpsonized yourself? If so, post links!

Final Elvis Update

← Taken 2 minutes ago

A nice person named Jane asked how Elvis was doing and I realized that I forgot to tell you all what happened!

Last I told you, he was vomiting and not eating so I took him to an emergency vet who gave him fluids under the skin. That was a Thursday. By that Saturday he still hadn't started eating (Poor thing... I kept trying to force-feed him Pedialyte through a medicine dropper), so I took him to our regular vet who X-rayed his stomach.

The X-ray showed that Elvis has a growth of some kind in his stomach, like a tumor or something. The vet couldn't tell exactly what it was and doesn't know how long it's been there, but he doesn't want to do exploratory surgery for reasons which I'll explain in a minute.

First, he wanted to get Elvis eating again, so he gave him Valium. Apparently, it increases cats' appetites. I asked the vet, "Is it the sedative effects of it that makes cats eat, kind of like—" and he cut me off and said, "Kind of like when people get high and get the munchies? Yes." It was funny. So anyway, when we got home, Elvis CHOWED down like I've never seen him chow down before and has been eating well ever since.

As for the vomiting, I have to give him 1/4 of a tablet of Pepcid AC every few days, which I've been doing. Since the visit (which was almost two weeks ago), he's only barfed once, but I'm not too worried about it, though, because Elvis barfs ALL THE TIME and has since he's been little. (The difference between this and when he was sick was that he was barfing every 10 minutes and hadn't been eating.)

Now, back to the tumor. The reason the vet doesn't want to do exploratory surgery is because the tumor could be something that Elvis has had his entire life. As long as his blood work continues to come back normal and the tumor doesn't grow (we're going to monitor both regularly), it doesn't make sense to have him undergo surgery. Doing so couldn't be more stressful for him. The funny thing is that the original thing I took him there for (the lump in his neck) is totally unrelated to the tumor in his stomach. But the meds for the first led to him not eating, which led to the X-ray, which led to the discovery of his tummy tumor.

Am I worried about him? Yes. But he seems to be returning to his old self since the visit, so I'm going to take it day by day, watch him closely, and give him lots of love. If he really does have nine lives, he used up one before I got him (he lived in a bush the first eight months of his life) and two more in the last couple of months. That means he's got six left.

It's funny, but people always say dogs are more loyal and cats more aloof, but in my household, things are flipped—Beverly is very independent while Elvis is ALWAYS by my side. I live in a small apartment, but he follows me everywhere—from the bedroom to the kitchen to the desk to the couch. In fact, as I type this, he's sitting right next to me. (See photo above.) I love him. I don't know what I'd do if something were to happen to him.

Okay, that's all! Thanks for asking about him Jane!

The Most Irritating Headline Of All Time

There's no need for this many puns in one sentence. Really.



UPDATE: The journalist who wrote the article, Mary Beth Ellis, just posted a comment!

I've Never Been to Me

Ron Miller, the man who wrote "I've Never Been to Me" (performed by Charlene), died a few days ago. May he rest in peace.

I've always loved that song. I really identify with the part that goes, "I took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun."

Ha ha, kidding.

I found a great website that has the lyrics and instrumental music so you can sing along. Warm up those vocal chords and then click the link below to begin:

I've Never Been to Me

Note: Really belt out that spoken part in the middle. Don't hold back.

Smith Street in The New York Times

I don't mean to take away from the excitement of the previous post, but there's an article in today's New York Times not just about my neighborhood, but my block!

Smith Street Confronts the Corporate Takeover

↑
That's the Starbucks I go to.

I took pictures of Homage, the skateboarding shop they're talking about, during the Smith Street festival I wrote about a few weeks ago. I kept meaning to write a post about it because I think it's a great addition to the hood, but I never got around to it.

The photos of Homage are posted on my Flickr account:

PS - I'm all for a Starbucks coming to the neighborhood (because they make damn good coffee), but I'd hate to see it become completely commercial.

PPS - Thankfully my apartment is rent-stabilized.

UPDATE: This post and my Flickr photos were linked to on Racked and Curbed. Thanks guys! (Even though you slightly made fun of my first PS comment.)

Remember The Guy From Mad Magazine?

He's all grown up now.

MMMAllGrownUp!

The middle one who looks like a girl isn't so cute anymore.

Hanson @ Virgin Megastore, NYC

I don't like his skinny jeans. And that thing around his neck is very Rod Stewart.

UPDATE: Okay, I take it back. He's cute in these pictures. He looks a little bit like Jon Bon Jovi:



SECOND UPDATE: I feel bad now for saying he's no longer cute. Even if it were true (which it isn't), it's not a very nice thing to say. The Hanson boys are good people. They could've turned into annoying boozehounds/druggies like many-a-child stars have, but they didn't. All they wanna do is sing. With each other. They seem to have good family values. I'm going to support them.

Hail Hanson!

PREVIOUSLY: MMMKaryn!

Cable Woes

My cable internet connection went out Saturday and someone won't be coming to fix it until Wednesday. Right now I'm sponging off a neighbor's connection, but I keep getting bumped off, so if I disappear for a couple days, that's why!

PS - This totally blows because I have Vonage, the cable phone, so I have no phone and no internet. I feel like I'm in the dark ages.

PPS - Ha ha... The first comment from Lisa is referring to this.

Flight of the Conchords in Cobble Hill

I'm watching Flight of the Conchords on demand right now because I missed it last night and they were just in my neighborhood! I think they're supposed to live in the East Village or Williamsburg on the show, but they just had a shot of a Mexican restaurant down the street from me called Lobo. (I think the guys were in a bus that drove past it.)

I actually took a picture of Lobo a while ago and put it on my Flickr page. Here it is:

It's not the greatest shot, I took it right after I got my camera, but anyway...

Yay Cobble Hill! Go Brooklyn.

I Hate Paris Hilton

From TMZ...

Paris' Yorkie wandered into the street after sneaking out the front door.

I now hate her and will forever. How would she like it if she got run over like her dog could've been?

UPDATE: She was just on The Insider talking about her new fashion and hair extension lines. Didn't she say she wanted to put her fame to good use and help those in need?

It's good to see she's saving the world now that she's out of jail.

Before Sunset

Ahhh! "Before Sunset" with Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy was just on Cinemax.

I LOVE this movie—it contains one of my favorite scenes EVER. If you haven't seen it, stop reading this post now, because I'm going to talk about it, so SPOILER ALERT!

******************

I LOVE the final scene, when Jesse and Celine go back to her apartment. I LOVE when she plays the guitar and sings to him, "Let me sing you a waltz..."

I LOVE when she imitates Nina Simone and dances.

And I LOVE LOVE LOVE the last two lines of dialogue before the movie ends. The magic is really in the their delivery, but for what it's worth...

"Baby, you are gonna miss that plane."
"I know."

Ahhh!

Makes me melt.

Emmy Nominations

So the Emmy nominations were announced and I was a little upset that Rober Iler who played AJ on The Sopranos didn't get one for Best Supporting Actor in a Drama.

Personally, I think he deserved one more than Michael Imperioli, but whatev.

Another guy who deserved to be nominated for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy is Justin Kirk who plays Andy Botwin on Weeds.

I mean, how do you NOT nominate someone who delivered the one of the BEST monologues on TV all season:

Masturbation Etiquette

I love him and think he steals almost every scene he's in.

Moving on, I think it's a crying shame that Michael C. Hall (formerly of Six Feet Under) wasn't nominated for Best Actor in a Drama for his role on Dexter.


Great show, amazing actor, huge oversight.

Thoughts?

My Porkie Yorkie

Sometimes when Beverly sleeps, her tummy calls out to me. It says...


So I do.

Easy Bake Oven Recall

Hasbro is recalling Easy Bake Ovens because kids are getting their fingers caught in them and getting burned.

I just wanna say that I burned myself on my Easy Bake Oven a thousand times when I was little and no one recalled them then.

Toughen up, little ones!

Life's not easy, sometimes you get burned. If you learn to deal with it now, you'll save yourself a whole lot of heartache in the future.

Attention All You Tetris Fans

I found two great things for you.

The first is an actual game you can play on the internet called Pootris.

(Pootris = Poo + Tetris.)

It's totally gross, but kind of addictive. It's also one of those things you should forward to every guy you know, because they'll no doubt think it's the greatest thing ever.

From the Pootris website...

It's toilet time, and you're about to explode. Unfortunately, taking a dump is a little more challenging than it used to be. You'll have to get the pipes from the toilet to the sewer, or you could experience some seriously smelly overflow in this Tetris/Pipedream hybrid game."

Warning: if you're at work, you might want to turn down the volume on your computer. The website plays really obnoxious music.

The second thing I found is a video of a Japanese game show called "Human Tetris."



Enjoy!

R.I.P. Gracie Winfrey 2005-2007

I have to admit, I watch Oprah every day. In fact, my old boyfriend used to make fun of me for it, saying, "That's very middle-aged housewife of you." But whatever, she's Oprah. I don't need to defend myself.

Anyway, because I'm such a fan, I know all about her dogs and was especially saddened to hear that one of them—Gracie—died recently. If you watch the show, you might remember Gracie as the white golden retriever that Oprah almost didn't get because she had an underbite. From her website:

We almost passed this cutie pie over, but she grabbed a hold of my heart and wouldn't let go," Oprah says. "I don't like eliminating her just because she has a little underbite. What is that, discrimination? The underbite is cute!"

Oprah's struggles with training these three new dogs was highlighted in a recent episode called Loving Our Dogs. Click the link to read about it, look at pictures and watch video. Then, once you're really attached...

Read Oprah's editor's letter about Gracie's death in this month's O magazine. It's so sad. If you have a pet of any kind, you'll probably cry, so grab a tissue.

Gracie Winfrey 2005-2007

Life's Just A Cocktail Party On The Street

"All this chitter-chatter, chitter-chatter, chitter-chatter 'bout shmata, shmata, shmata..."

St. Elmo's Fire

St. Elmo's Fire is on Oxygen right now, and that Rob Lowe... he's so cute in this movie. I mean, he's still good-looking, but he was so cute back then.

Oh, and Demi Moore... she's just fabulous in this movie, too. She plays "Jules." Remember? She had a raging drug and alcohol problem and a pink apartment with a huge picture of Billy Idol painted on the wall (which at the time was so cool.)

I found a picture of it on the internet:


Love her. I'm going to be Jules for Halloween.

Actually, a good group costume would be going as the group from St. Elmo's Fire.

Here's a nice video:

Victoria Beckham

Don't forget... Victoria Beckham: Coming to America airs tonight at 8:00pm on NBC.

Click here to watch a funny video of her driving.

I love this woman. I think she's like a modern-day Alexis Carrington.

When my friend Tracy and I went to Madrid a few years ago, we went to a Real Madrid game to watch David Beckham play. We know nothing about soccer and could not have cared less about watching the actual game... we went there solely to see Becks. Come to find out, he was sick that night and didn't play. Here are some photos of us at the big game:

Like dorks, we bought Real Madrid t-shirts and wore them to the game:


Mine said David Beckham on the back:


My old boyfriend wore it home from my apartment once and I never got it back. I hate him for it.

The steps there were very steep:


After the game, because we are cool, Tracy and I took pictures of each other in our hotel room because we decided that Tracy's sunglasses, when worn with our Real Madrid t-shirts, made us look like butchy police officers.

"Hold it right there."

"I said, 'down, on the ground.' Don't make me use force."

We are dorks.



"Yes, you are."

"Roger that."

(BTW, this is a new thing... Beverly and Elvis are going to be blogging at the bottom of some of my posts.)

Britney And Her Yorkie

If she drops this one, Beverly and I are going to kick her butt.


Bev

"I will kick her butt... I will, I will."

Elvis

"I will claw her face..."

Manhattan Apartment For Sale - Free Painting Included

So I know I said I'd be back tomorrow, but until then, I have to share this you. It's an apartment in Manhattan for sale by owner that I found via Curbed. Every inch of it is covered by a mural, including the baseboards and ceiling.

I don't even know what to say about this... I'm speechless.

Click here to visit the official website and see more pictures.

Elvis: The Million Dollar Cat

Sorry for being MIA, Elvis has been sick again. After not eating for four days, he started vomiting and walking into walls and acting all crazy, so I took him to the emergency vet. (My vet takes Thursdays off.) They had to give him fluids through an IV and something else to settle his stomach.

Right now, he is home and just ate some raw tuna that I got at a sushi restaurant. So far he hasn't barfed it up.

Ah... pets. They become a part of your family. My friend Naomi said that she and her husband used to joke that their Bulldog Mulligan was the $10,000 dog because that's how much they spent on vet bills for him. Elvis is headed in that direction. (I'd spend a million on him, though, because he's my lil baby cakes.)

I'll be back tomorrow!

VH1's World Series of Pop Culture

I came in at #16 tonight on Trivia Dome. That's out of 3,197 players, which makes me in the top 1% of the players. (Actually, the top 1/2%, if that's even a thing.) I told you I was good!

I lost on a question about the O.C.

I will win this, you will see.

PS - Why do I suddenly feel like a dorky gamer?

Elvis: Anorexic or HMC (High Maintenance Cat)?

So now that Elvis is okay, he's decided to stop eating.

For the past two days he hasn't touched his food and I've tried everything to get him to eat something. I sprinkled catnip on his food, I gave him tuna, I cooked him oatmeal—I mixed tuna with oatmeal, oatmeal with catnip, catnip with tuna, and he still wouldn't eat any of it.

But then this morning I figured out something: He'll only eat something if I'm eating it, and then he'll only eat it if I hand feed it to him. He doesn't want cat food or oatmeal or dried up catnip, no. He wants a turkey sandwich, dammit. And he wants it to be served to him.

This is further proof I'm being played for a sucker.

(Seriously though, I am worried about him and I'm watching him closely.)

World Series of Pop Culture

So I played Trivia Dome last night on WorldOfPop.com. I forgot to play the East Coast version so I played the West Coast one at 1:00am, but I didn't win the $2,500. I came in at #195, which is good (There were over 900 people playing, so I was still in the top 20%), but what does it really get me? Nothing, that's what.

Dammit. (This is where I mentally beat myself up for not being good enough.)

(And this is where I build myself back up again by remembering the great words of one Stuart Smalley... "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!")

I lost on this question--WHICH I KNEW THE ANSWER TO!--but for some reason I second-guessed myself at the last second and chose something else.

Here is the question:


In the Karate Kid, Johnny Lawrence and his Cobra Kai buddies attend their high school Halloween dance dressed as what ghoulish figures?

1. Vampires
2. Zombies
3. Ghosts
4. Skeletons

For the answer, go to the comments section.

PS - I'm going to play again tonight and WIN.

"Two Johns No Waiting" Radio Show

I got an email from one of the hosts of a radio show in St. Louis on KMOX Radio (1120 AM) called "Two Johns No Waiting." They were talking about gross words and referred to the "Gross Words" posts on my blog—Gross Words & Gross Words - Part II—which you all commented heavily on. He said they gave me a shout-out. Thanks guys!

If you're in St. Louis, give them a listen. They've interviewed a whole bunch of people from Bill Cosby to Amy Sedaris to actors from The Office & Scrubs to Paula Deen (LOVE her!)

About the show...

What do you get when you take two parts comedy and add one part news? KMOX's "Two Johns, No Waiting."

With the pairing of nighttime hosts John Carney and Jon Grayson, listeners may never know what they're going to hear. Sometimes funny, sometimes informative, always entertaining, it's "Two Johns, No Waiting."

Whether they're interviewing a politician or a musician, the "Two Johns" make sure all of the day's big news is covered with their unique brand of humor. From the “Nightly News Rewind” to “Two Johns Freeform” no story is too big or too small for the “Two Johns” to cover.

Music, sports, entertainment and technology correspondents help make sure that listeners are up-to-date and informed on the latest trends.

While they may not have much more in common than their first name, John and Jon together keep listeners up-to-date and laughing from 8-11pm five nights a week on the "Voice of St. Louis."

Gotta Love My Mom...

My mom got a new computer and called to tell me that it has two "megakites."

Someone from the Geek Squad is going to her house tomorrow to set it all up. She's really pumped.

Previously: Metflex

F***ing Smelly People

The worst thing about New York when it's a million degrees outside is the smelly people on the subway.

My God... I keep moving from one end of the car to the other because this person smelled like onions (bad bo) and that person smelled like moth balls and another person smelled like an ashtray...

Yuck, yuck, yuck! Barf, barf, barf!

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld.

Celebrity Sighting: Michelle Williams

I forgot to tell you... this past weekend I saw the lovely Michelle Williams walking through the neighborhood with little Matilda. She and Heath Ledger live two blocks away from me.

My thoughts on this sighting are this:

1) Matilda is cute and looks just like Heath Ledger.
2) Michelle Williams has some good blonde going on.

So good in fact that, next time I see her, I'm going to ask who her colorist is. (And you know she'll give me a look that says, "Listen, I know that you know that I'm Michelle Williams, and I'm sure you're just asking me this to get all chummy-chummy with me..." And then I'll have to give her a look that says, "No, honestly, Michelle, I really just like your color, that's all..." Which is true. I mean, I wouldn't mind being invited over for a barbecue or two—they have a big ole house—but if it doesn't happen, I'll live.)

Gawker: Bringing Brooklyn Writers and Cable Guys Together

Okay, so this is kinda fabulous...

The cable guy came over today to fix my cable. I have a small apartment, so while he was doing his thing, I went into the kitchen to stay out of the way. After a few minutes of washing dishes and whatnot, I peered back into the living room to see how he was doing and saw that he was using my laptop.

After having a slight heart attack (You don't mess with a person's computer when they're writing a 250-page book), I saw that he was logged onto a cable website checking out something with my modem so I didn't say anything (even though I did think it was a bit weird he didn't ask if he could use it.)

Realizing I needed to keep a closer eye on this guy, I went back into the living room and parked myself on the couch a few feet away from him, only to find that he was suddenly very chatty and overly friendly. Not only was he talking to me about this and that and cracking jokes, but after showing me everything was fixed, he sat down on the couch and proceeded to watch TV with me for a few minutes. (Note: A few minutes seems like a lifetime when it's just you and the cable guy.) The whole time I was sitting there thinking, "When's this dude gonna leave?"

Anyway, he eventually got up and left (slowly, though... He kept stalling like, "Can I use your bathroom?") so I went back to work. When I turned to my computer I quickly realized why the guy was so friendly.

Before he came over, I was reading Gawker, and when he went to go use my laptop, this was in the browser window (he would've had to click it to get a new tab to access the cable website):


Although the post has nothing to do with big black dildos, I'm pretty sure the cable guy (who, yes, was African-American) thought I was in the market for one, hence the reason he was so damn chatty.

Thanks for the graphics, Gawker. Really.

World Series of Pop Culture - Win $2,500

My friend James over at the World Series of Pop Culture informed me that, starting tonight, you can win $2,500 by playing a new game on WorldOfPop.com called "Trivia Dome."

The game will take place live on the website immediately following the World Series of Pop Culture @ 10pm EST and 10pm PST on the following nights:

This week: Monday July 9th, Tuesday July 10th, Wednesday, July 11th, 2007, and Thursday July 12th.

Next week: Monday July 16th, Tuesday July 17th, Wednesday July 18th, and Thursday July 19th.

Yes, there will be eight chances to win $2,500, and, on the final night of the show, one chance to win $10,000. Click here for the rules and to learn how to play. Once you do that...

Quick! What does Penny Lane (Kate Hudson) tell William (Patrick Fugit) her real name is in the movie "Almost Famous"?

(This was not on the show, I made it up myself, and it's a damn good question.)

Answer in the Comments section.

New Shows on HBO

So I've been watching John From Cincinnati and I have to say... I hate it.

Everyone on it is so miserable and yucky. I wanna slap Rebecca De Mornay's character I dislike her so much. And the problem with casting real surfers as actors is that THEY CAN'T ACT and it makes watching the show that much more painful.

Sorry, I just needed to vent about this—I don't think I've ever hated a show more. I yell at the TV when it's on. I know, I know... turn it off. But a part of me likes to not like it—you know what I mean? I think it helps me get out my aggression.

On the other hand, I LOVE Flight of the Conchords. It's so funny and clever and I'm developing a mad crush on Jemaine. (The one with the glasses.)

Is anyone else watching these shows? If so, thoughts?

Baby Shower Cake

Someone forwarded this to me via email, and I had to post it.

If you want to see the most frightening baby shower cake ever, then click here at your own risk:
Olivia's Baby Shower Cake
(I can't bear to actually post the pic. It's NSFW!)

More Eva Feva

You know, I've never been a big Eva Longoria fan (I've never not been a fan, I've just never thought much about her either way), but she's looked so cute in Paris for her wedding. Who knew she was such a fashion plate?

Look how cute this is:

Eva Feva

I don't like the necklace, but this is seriously the cutest dress ever.

Eva Longoria

UPDATE: Okay, here's a bigger picture of the necklace. Pretty, yes. But again, it DOESN'T GO WITH THIS DRESS.

Click the pic and it will get reallllllly big.

I think she should've gone the traditional route and worn a short strand of pearls.

Or, if she really wanted to wear gems, she should've stuck with plain diamonds. (By "plain" I mean colorless.) Something like this would've been pretty, with these earrings or diamond studs.