Things That Bother Me

Things that bother me:

15. When people use the word "yummy" to describe things other than food.
"Ooh, this hat is so soft and yummy!"
It's not yummy unless you can shove it in your mouth and eat it.

(This is an ongoing list.)

My Mom The Computer Whiz

Oh my Gosh, I can't handle it—I CAN'T HANDLE IT!

My mom finally got her new computer and, for some reason, the modem stopped working today. After spending a painful—and I mean painful—20 minutes on the phone with her trying to help figure out what happened, I told her to call the cable company because the thing seemed to have died completely. She ended up having to take it in and trade it in for a new one, and when she got home, she called me frantically and was like, "What's the difference between a urethra and UCB?"

I was like, "Pardon me?"

"The new modem came with a urethra and a UCB. Which one should I use to hook it up?"

"Um, do you mean an Ethernet and a USB cord?"

"Yeah, that's it..."

God bless her. I'm sure I'll be the same way some day.

Gotta Love My Mom...

My mom got a new computer and called to tell me that it has two "megakites."

Someone from the Geek Squad is going to her house tomorrow to set it all up. She's really pumped.

Previously: Metflex

Word of the Day: iDiot

Word of the day...

iDiot (n)

1. A person who pays three times the cost of the already overpriced Apple iPhone because they can't wait until the buzz subsides (or 2-4 weeks, the current wait on apple.com) to get one.



2. Any person who camped out in front of an Apple store in the days leading up to the release of the Apple iPhone.



3. Any person who drops their $600 Apple iPhone upon taking it out of the box.
   
   

Use in a sentence:

"These iDiots need to realize that they've lived without an Apple iPhone their whole life; a couple more weeks won't matter."

"Only an iDiot would drop an Apple iPhone."

Things That Bother Me

Things that bother me:

1. Plastic forks
2. Howie Mandel
   
3. The fact that Anna Nicole is still staring at me from TrimSpa bottles at the corner deli
4. The word "quasi"
   
5. People who use the word "quasi"
6. Diet Coke Plus, because getting your vitamins from an artificially-sweetened soda pop is queer
7. That I find myself worrying about the people in the Cingular commercials, like Josh and Abby and that one lady who, after getting flowers from her boyfriend at work, calls her friend and is like, "Everyone says this means he cheated on me," and her friend is like, "No, he didn't cheat on you, don't be silly," but the phone drops out so the first lady doesn't hear this and freaks. The miscommunication leaves me feeling uneasy, and I wanna call these people on a land line and clear everything up.
   
8. ↑Run-on non-sentences, like the first half of #7
   
9. Dust bunnies
10. That the definition of "dust bunny" contains the phrase "skin particles"
11. That Beverly never comes when I call her, yet always appears when the fridge opens
12. When the men I date send me text messages. I'm sorry, are we fifteen? I'm an adult, you're an adult, pick up the phone.

(This is an ongoing list.)

Metflex

I just got off the phone with my mom and she told me that my step-dad is really enjoying the "Metflex" he got for Christmas. I was like, "Huh?" thinking it was some kind of workout equipment, but then she said, "You know, Metflex, the movie thing." I was like, "Oh... Netflix! Right..."

Totally random post, I know, and maybe only funny to me and people who know my mom, but I thought I'd share it with you anyway. Happy day.

"Titmen" are Pigs

So I just spellchecked something I'm working on, and spellcheck flagged the word "bullshit" and wanted to replace it with the word "bushtit."

Okay, um... is this a word?

I just looked it up and apparently it is. I found two definitions...

bush·tit
n. Either of two small, long-tailed birds (Psaltriparus minimus or P. melanotis) of western North America, having predominantly gray plumage.

bush·tit
n. active gray titmice of western North America

Okay, um... titmice?

tit·mouse
n. pl. tit·mice
Any of numerous small insect-eating passerine birds of the family Paridae, found in woodland areas throughout the world and including especially members of the genus Parus, such as the chickadee. See Regional Note at tit¹.

Okay wait, so you can just call a titmouse a tit?

tit¹
n.

1. A titmouse.
2. Any of various small, similar or related birds.

Yes, you can.

Tit is an old Germanic word for “small” and is used in various northern European languages to refer to small objects, animals, or people, especially girls. The word is most common in American English in combinations that denote various small birds, such as the titmouse or tomtit. A titman in the 19th century could mean a small or stunted person, as Henry David Thoreau indicates when he calls his generation “a race of tit-men.” Tit and titman are still used in New England, mostly by farmers to refer to the runt of a litter of pigs.

I always thought a "titman" was guy who liked boobs, much in the same way some men are "assmen." Who knew it's a small/stunted person? Or better yet, a pig who's a runt.

So see, the next time some pervert tells you he likes your tits, it's completely acceptable to call him a pig, because that's what titmen are.


I know, I know... am I a thirty year old woman or a teenage boy? I'm a woman, but I can't help but to find humor in all this.

Gross Words - Part II

So Trippy McTrip (that's me) struck again on Sunday. After having two martinis on the roof of Hotel Gansevoort, I tripped (on my heels? on a pebble? on nothing—I'm just a lightweight and a klutz?) on 13th Street and completely wiped out. I'm not talking about a wobble here, I fell face-forward onto the pavement. Thankfully no one was walking ahead of me, behind me, or across the street from me, so I saved myself some embarrassment. However, because I was wearing a dress and open-toed shoes, I completely skinned my knee AND ruined my brand new pedicure. Dangit.

Okay, so anyway, I've been hobbling around my apartment for two days now, trying to recover from the knee wound (I'm over my botched toe nails), and I've discovered two more words that completely gross me out. Back in February I admitted to not liking the word "moist," today I'd like to add "ointment" and "ooze" to that.

You see, my skinned knee is oozing yellow goo. Yeah, gross. To make sure it doesn't become infected, I've been smearing ointment on it. Yeah, gross again. OINTment. I think it's the OINT part that makes it so yucky.

More words that gross you out?

Piss Off

I woke up early and I'm watching 9 to 5 right now staring Lily Tomlin, Dolly Parton and Jane Fonda. It's one of my favorite movies of all times. Lily Tomlin is so amazing in it. I love the scene where she's in the hospital because she thinks she's killed Mr. Hart, and she steals a body that she thinks is his. A candy striper comes up to her in the middle of it all and she tells them to "piss off." I love that phrase—it's so something my mom would say. I'm going to start to say it more often.

"Ah... piss off."

Love, Sex, & My Ex Contest Winner - Week 4

The Rule of Thumb
by Kristen Hammack

During my sophomore year in college, my roommates and I thought it would be fun to check out the online dating websites. Through doing this, I ended up meeting a guy named Stan. Stan was really nice and, after chatting online for awhile, we decided to go out on a date. Over the course of a month or so, we ended up going out a few times, but eventually things ended between us.

The last date that Stan and I had took place at a comedy club. The show was pretty good, and when it was over, we decided to pick up a movie and go back to my dorm room. After popping in the tape, we both crammed our bodies into my X-long twin bed and things got a little frisky. Stan and I kissed and touched each other and eventually decided to have sex. We both got naked and started going through the motions. Stan was on top and everything seemed to be fine, but then suddenly, he stopped what he was doing and sat on the edge of the bed with his back facing me. Apparently Stan was nervous and not... ready... so he was trying to "assist himself" so we could continue. After realizing it was taking an awfully long time, I sat up to see if I could "help." Eager to get back to things, I quickly reached over with my right hand, but then stopped short of touching his penis when I realized that it was the exact same size as my thumb. Without thinking, I instantly retracted my hand, laid back down on the bed and said, "You know what? Maybe we should do this another time. I need to get to bed." I'm pretty sure the shock of what I had just seen was plastered all over my face, and I'm pretty sure Stan knew that we'd never see each other again. He put his clothes on and left.

The next morning, as I was telling my roommates about the fiasco, I described him as being "thumb d*ck," and from that point on, that's been his name. If I happen to pass a place we went to, I'd say, "Oh, 'thumb d*ck' and I went to that restaurant." Or when I'm at the video store I say, "Oh, 'thumb d*ck' and I saw that movie." As I said earlier, that night was the last date thumb d*ck and I ever had, and I never saw him or his thumb d*ck again.

From Karyn... Yay Kristen! Your book is on it's way.

The reason I picked Kristen's story this week is that I'm sure we've all had a small penis experience, but more than that, I want to know some of the nicknames that all of you have given the guys you've dated.

As for me, there's "Dumb Boy"... he was younger than me and very naive.

There's also "The Fat Guy"... I actually really like him and didn't care that he was fat.

As for "Dan Dan the Earring Man"... I left my earrings in his dorm room and never saw them (or him) again. (DDTEM was one of my shorter *cough* one night *cough* relationships.)

So spill...

Amanda Holden, My New Favourite Brit

The British actress Amanda Holden is reading 20 Times a Lady right now. I'll be honest, I had no idea who she was until my British publicist told me about an interview she just did for the Daily Express, but she's my new favorite celeb in world. (Nothing personal Amanda; I'm just American.) She said, "At the moment, I'm reading Twenty Times A Lady which is about a woman who is trying to resist the urge to sleep with Man No 20. She is wondering whether it's possible to turn her life around - it's a really entertaining read."

Yay! Thanks Amanda!

It's so neat when someone famous reads your stuff, you know? I once got an email from an "anonymous TV actress in LA" who loved Save Karyn. She said, "It's been years since a book captivated me so. I spent last night reading 246 pages straight, and went back to Barnes & Noble today and bought seven more books to give as Christmas gifts to my girlfriends."

You know who else also sent me a letter saying she loved Save Karyn? Staci Keanan, the actress who played the daughter on My Two Dads. How cool is that???

Yes, I know I'm a total dork for getting excited about this, but YOU WOULD TOO!

Anyway, back to my favorite Brit. I believe I found the text to the full article online. She talks about how everyone should schedule some 'me' time into their day to read. Here it is in case you're interested:

Actor and Mother Who Enjoys Her 'Me' Time
Amanda Holden is one busy lady. Having become a mother for the first time in January this year, she has cleverly managed to balance her working life with her personal life. When she gets some valuable free time however, she likes a good read. So much so that Aero has made her the face of their latest campaign, the Aero Book Club.

"I was approached by Aero because I recently had a baby and they were looking for someone who had a busy lifestyle and who still had time to fit books into their lives," explains Amanda. "It's true that anyone can fit some 'me' time into their day - everyone has 30 minutes when they're not being a wife or a mother to have a quiet read. Anyone - married, single, working women - can find some 'me' time to relax every day."

"I like the girlie idea, and the Aero Book Club is predominantly a female initiative," says Amanda. "I'm always on the phone to my girlfriends asking whether they've read this or that book. The Aero Book Club has a website and a huge variety of books to choose from so that people can browse and select what they're interested in. I've chosen some of my favourites and I review one each month. It's great to be able to sit down and read a book, along with a choccy bar - who doesn't like that?"

Given that the amount of time she has to relax has decreased considerably since the birth of her daughter, Amanda makes the most of her time by reading light-hearted books. "I have been used to reading heavy weights in my time but, because I'm so busy, I've been reading a lot of chick-lit books," she admits. "My book is rather like my baby at the moment as I can pick it up and pop it down whenever I get busy, and then return to it when it's less stressful."

"At the moment, I'm reading Twenty Times A Lady which is about a woman who is trying to resist the urge to sleep with Man No 20," she says. "She is wondering whether it's possible to turn her life around - it's a really entertaining read."

So why is reading so important to the actor? "Reading is really, really relaxing and it's the escapism factor that I love," admits Amanda. "It's so easy to relax and forget the rest of the world when you're reading a good book. I also think that everyone within the book is frozen when I put it down, only to awaken when I pick it up again. It's also lovely to have time away from emails and phones."

Amanda is keen to encourage those of us who don't spend enough time buried in a good book, although statistics highlight we're turning into bookworms. "I think approximately 46 per cent of 25-40-year-olds have read a book within the last year and just under that figure have bought a book," she says. "It works out that a woman spends approximately £100/€144 a year on books, which is quite a lot. It's also about the importance of getting together with friends and sitting and chatting together. That sense of community is very important."

Amanda is also keen to develop a similar sense of unity with her young baby. "I read that you could read stories to babies over six months old," she explains, "but Lexi (Alexa) is only five months old. I told her the story of Cinderella, but it was a bit darker and more like a Grimm fairy tale. But she was looking at me and seemed to be listening at any rate!"

The Wild at Heart and Cutting It actor is a seasoned script reader but admits it's great to have a say in what she can read. "It's great to have a choice," she says. "You can get good and bad scripts, the same way you can get good and bad books. Having a choice is really encouraging."

BTW... how much do you love Brit Speak? A choccy bar? I'm going to say it every day.

Tutelage

I'm watching Inside the Actors Studio with Tom Hanks right now (I don’t watch American Idol) and he just used the word "tutelage." Isn't that a fun word to say? Tutelage. He was talking about being under the tutelage of someone.

tu•te•lage (n.)

1. The capacity or activity of a guardian; guardianship.
2. The capacity or activity of a tutor; instruction or teaching.
3. The state of being under the direction of a guardian or tutor.

I'm going to use this word more. Just so I can say it.

Hassie Posse

I'd like to teach you all a favorite phrase of mine, something I made up. I live in Brooklyn, home to quite a few Hasidic Jewish people. Whenever I see a group of them (meaning 3 or more) dressed in traditional attire, I refer to them as a "Hassie Posse."

I don't mean any disrespect when I say this and I'm sorry if I've offended anyone - "Hassie Posse" is simply a play on words, a rhyme, something like "gal pal," "boy toy," or "boob tube."

The reason I've decided to tell you all about "Hassie Posse" is because I get super-excited every chance I get to use the phrase, like yesterday, for example. As many of you may have heard, the tram between Manhattan and Roosevelt Island stalled over the East River, trapping 68 people for six hours. When the news--which covered every second of the unfolding tragedy--broadcast the big rescue, I was delighted to see that the first group of people brought to safety was none other than a "Hassie Posse." See all of them to the left of the policeman? There's 1-2-3 of them, which means they qualify as an official Hassie Posse! They were greeted with matzo when they arrived safely on land. You'd think I'm kidding, but I'm not. They really were.

Anyway, what are some of your favorite made-up phrases? Let me know.

Gross Words

My friend Sam just described something to me as being "moist" and it creeped me out. What words give you the heebies?

Dating Dictionary

I'm a HUGE fan of made-up words. I'm also a huge fan of Daily Candy. Every so often the clever clan behind this popular website sends out newsletters with fun words and phrases that they've heard people using. Many of these words have become a part of my daily vocabulary and some have even made it into my new book. Below is a list of some faves in the world of romance and sex. Read them, use them, and then (of course) visit Daily Candy when you're done.


bandwagoner
n. A once-single woman who traditionally swears off the holiday but is now happily coupled off and suddenly all about hearts, roses, and luuuv...

bonk statement
n. The reply you must give to the question that every prospective lover will casually pose after you first have sex. ("So, how many people have you slept with before me?")

boreplay
n. The worst kind of foreplay, which rarely, if ever, leads to intercourse.

bust bust
v. To be busted by your significant other for staring at another woman's breasts.

candy-boxer
n. A cop-out gifter. ("Good old George. He's a total candy-boxer, but I still love him.")

cryday the 13th
n. The day before Valentine's Day if you don't have a boy/girlfriend.

drailing
v. E-mailing when drunk.

DIZO
n. Acronym. Describes (busy, working, all-too-typical) couple: Dual Income, Zero Orgasm.

dressed to spill
adj. Used to describe a woman's precarious and flirtatious state of dress, wherein a great deal more than cleavage will likely be revealed. ("Look at Alexis' nonexistent top. That girl is dressed to spill tonight!")

drimming
v. Drunk instant-messaging.

earnest hemorrhage
n. A man who is oppressively forthcoming with every thought and feeling. Antonym: Ernest Hemingway, linguistically stingy author.

eggsnog
n. A makeout session that takes place under the influence of eggnog.

e-mauling
v. Stalking someone via e-mail.

fear goggling
n. The act of rushing into a relationship in order to avoid spending Valentine's Day alone.

fifty-footer
n. Someone who looks really attractive from 50 feet away. Closer examination reveals...

F.L.A.C.I.D.
n. Pronounced "flaccid." Acronym for Failed Lovers Against Caller ID. Don't say you haven't been there. We all have.

flighty Aphrodite
n. A favorite Valentine's date, she's undeniably attractive and intellectually challenged.

foxymoron
n. One who is incredibly dumb but incredibly cute, who simultaneously attracts and repels. ("I'm so ashamed. I hooked up with that foxymoron last night.")

gu
adj. Pronounced "goo" acronym for "geographically undesirable." ("Great guy and all, but totally gu - he lives all the way in Reseda!")

guyatus
n. A hiatus from guys. ("Thanks, but no thanks. I'm kind of on guyatus.")

helicopter girl/boyfriend
n. A significant other who finds it necessary to hover around his or her mate at all times. ("I'd love to come to girls' night, but my helicopter probably won't let me out of his sight.")

hetox/shetox
n. Taking a break from romance and its attending insanities. A.k.a. turning off the valve.

HIT
n. Homosexual-in-training. He may not know it yet, but everyone else does.

hobeau
n. A less-than-hygienic boyfriend. ("Better open the window. Here come Gloria and her hobeau.")

inebridate
v. To regularly and repeatedly have drunken intercourse (never sober) with the same person. ("If my liver could take it, I'd inebridate John for at least another couple of months.")

intie
n. The intimacy flu. Usually occurs 2 to 3 weeks into a budding dating relationship. Symptoms include unreturned phone calls, "mistakenly" deleted e-mails, and sleeping on far edge of the bed.

kama-suture
n. Aid for injuries sustained during aerobic bedroom exercises (particularly by non-aerobic types.)

locationship
n. A relationship based solely on proximity, such as with your neighbor.

love at first fight
n. Syndrome experienced by those drawn to each other by arguments and make-up sex.

maid of dishonor
n. The wedding attendant who alters her dress to show lots o' cleavage, then sleeps with the best man.

manbiguous
adj. A quality in a man by which his behavior, sexual and otherwise, raises question about his sexual orientation.

margariter
v. To serve a margarita for the express purpose of loosening up. Alt. margaritim. ("He's just sitting in the corner, Sally. If you're interested you're going to have to margaritim.")

mistleho
n. Someone who hangs around under the mistletoe, waiting to get kissed. ("Eve was being such a mistleho at the company party that no one else could get any play from the cute tech guys.")

ranky
adj. Gross, nasty; hybrid term - raunchy meets skanky.

restaur-romp
n. A date that gets out of hand at a dinner table and/or bar area. ("After two bottles of wine my date turned into a full-on restaur-romp.")

reverse evolution princes
n. Men who at first seem to be princes but turn out to be frogs.

Saturday night fever
n. Often followed by a real fever, the delirium that comes over some women as they get (un)dressed for a Saturday night on the town, believing that the temperature is as much as twenty degrees warmer than it actually is.

scamentine
n. Someone who always has a random hookup on Valentine's Day.

scum
n. Self-Centered Urban Male.

smellibacy
n. A state of involuntary celibacy brought on by bad hygiene. ("Jake has only himself to blame. His three-year dry spell is a clear case of smellibacy.")

staremaster
n. Gym dandies who constantly check themselves out in the mirror. ("If that staremaster touches his pecs one more time...")

stray
n. A heterosexual male who everyone secretly thinks is gay.

textual harassment
n. A proposition via text message; received, generally speaking, quite late in the evening. Similar to a textual advance, only far more annoying.

Valenspammer
n. Shallow sentimentalist who sends valentines to everyone he/she knows. ("Don't be flattered by Pat's card. He/She is a notorious Valenspammer.")

"He/She is a lot of yabba dabba and not a lot of do."
adj. Used to refer to someone who is all talk and no action.

What's in Your Custom Dictionary?

For some odd reason I ended up in the "custom dictionary" in Microsoft Word on my computer and had to laugh at the words I've added to it...

ain't
Bennifer
Beyonce
Bigalow (as in Deuce)
babelicious
bejesus (as in "you scared the bejesus out of me!")
Camaro
Cheetos
Cortlandt (as in Palmer from All My Children)
dammit
Dollywood
dufus
Emeril (as in BAM!)
Ewww
ewww (I have both capped and not capped)
Farrah (as in my second favorite Angel. My first.)
ficus (as in the ugly fake floor plant everyone had in the early 90s)
foxymoron
freakin' (as in "that's freakin' fantastic!")
gangsta
gimme
gonna
gotta
grody
hoochie
hula (as in hula hoop)
iPod
Keaton (as in Alex P. from Family Ties not Michael)
Keds (as in they need to be outlawed)
loco
Manero (as in Tony from Saturday Night Fever)
Marky (as in mark and the funky bunch)
mojo
Mousketeer
numchucks
outta
Parton (as in Dolly)
Plinko (as in the Price is Right game)
Powter (as in "Stop the insanity!" Susan)
Punk'd
Retton (as in Mary Lou)
Richie (as in Lionel)
Sambuca
Sipowicz (as in Detective Andy from NYPD Blue)
Speedwagon (as in REO)
Tinkerbell
Tinseltown
Vespa
Wagoneer
wanker
wanna
Yorkie

And then I found these questionable words...

Percocet
Percodan
Vicodin
Xanax

What words are in your custom dictionary? Open Microsoft Word --> Select "Tools" from the pulldown menu at the top --> Options --> Spelling & Grammar --> Custom Dictionaries --> Make sure "CUSTOM.DIC" is checked --> Modify...

Made Up Words

I like to make up words. Yep. When I'm talking and I can't think of a good word to explain what I'm talking about, I just make one up. Like my friend is an attorney and I call what he does "lawyering." And those little cubicles where they do bikini waxes, I call those "publicle cubicles."

Anywho... every month Jane magazine has a new word in it that they or someone else made up. Here are some examples...

Almond Joy
n. A male camel-toe, formed when a dude's jewels are squeezed into tight jeans. Usage: "The Boss's almond joy is three times bigger than Steve Perry's. Not that that's something to be proud of."

Diet Strokes
n. Music-industry term for any of the hundred cute new garage bands coming onto the scene. Usage: "Those Diet Strokes must shop at the same marching-band-jacket surplus store as Julian."

Efemulate
v. To rip away womanhood (like "emascualte"). Usage: That efemulating bastard said I can't wear skirts to work.

Icarus dick
adj. Too proud; cocky. Pertaining to Icarus, the mythological guy who flew too close to the sun. Usage: "When I saw the new designs for the Twin Towers site, I thought, 'Ugh, they're so Icarus dick.'"

Noah's boy
n. An obnoxious show-off. Diner cooks use "Noah's boy" as slang for ham, since Ham was Noah's son in the Bible. Usage: "That Noah's boy is talking really loudly about his motorcycle again."

Poseur exposer
n. A band name that is sure to unmask novice fans because it's hard to pronounce. Geeky record store clerks get a lot of mileage out of these. Usage: "That loser just asked about the new Porky's Psychotic Monkey record. Poseur exposer in effect - everyone knows it's Gorky's Zygotic Mynci."

Pussyball
n. Tattooist term for the tennis ball given to customers who need something to squeeze in order to deal with the pain. Usage: "I'm not your pussyball - go to the bathroom by yourself."

Screwvenir
n. or v. A T-shirt, CD, etc. stolen from a one-night stand's house or the act of stealing the stuff. Usage: "Now that I have Physical Graffiti, I've screwvenired the entire Zeplin discography."

What are some of your favorite made up words?

To Pussyfoot

For some odd reason, I've been using the word "pussyfoot" a lot recently. I say things like, "I was pussyfooting around," and "he or she was pussyfooting around." Even though I'm not exactly sure what it means, I like it. I have a feeling that it means to "walk quietly and cautiously like a pussy cat." I mean, that makes sense, right?

So anywho, I was just wondering if anyone else is fond of the word "pussyfoot." Also, why did it take me so long to start using the word "pussyfoot?" And where did I pick it up from? Was it in a movie I saw recently? Or did I hear it a long time ago, bury it deep in my subconscious, and then recently have a dream that tapped into that area of my brain? If that's the case, then it's a shame. I could've been using it for a long time if only I hadn't buried it. But I guess it's better late than never, right?