To Wrigley, From Beverly

Dear Wrigley,

Dream on, fat boy.

Love,
Beverly







PS - In addition to hitting the gym, you should give Hooked on Phonics a try, too. Youze dum.

Ikea in Red Hook

The location of this Ikea is complete bullsh*t. It's going to back up traffic on the BQE (Brooklyn-Queens Expressway) for miles and make traveling to and from my neighborhood by car (like to the airport) a complete nightmare. No one is ever going to want to visit me again.

From an article in today's NY Post...

One of the Big Apple's most isolated neighborhoods will soon see its meager mass transit system boosted big-time for a long-anticipated IKEA invasion.

But John McGettrick, co-chair of the Red Hook Civic Alliance, says it's not enough.

He said that besides lacking subway service, Red Hook doesn't have adequate roads and parking to handle an IKEA- "especially since many customers won't be from Brooklyn and arrive by car."

"There's been no IKEA in this country ever put in a situation like this; most others like the ones in Elizabeth and Paramus in New Jersey have direct access off highways," he said. "This is on a tiny peninsula that is basically a dead end."

IKEA is offering 1,400 parking spots, although the project's environmental impact statement estimates about 14,000 cars arriving on Saturdays. McGettrick says he believes it will actually be 20,000.

20,000 cars? I mean, are you kidding me?

I know it's uncalled for and drastic to say, but someone needs to burn this IKEA down ASAP.

Go ahead, leave me nasty comments about that. I don't care.

As long as no one gets hurt, burn IKEA, burn.

Nadia Plesner

In October of last year, 26-year-old Dutch artist Nadia Plesner started a campaign to raise awareness of the ongoing genocide in Darfur.

She thought that since the media covers meaningless things like handbags and celebrity pooches instead of issues that matter, maybe the world would pay attention if she dressed a Darfurian child like Paris Hilton.

After designing an image of a Darfurian child holding a chihuahua and designer handbag, she put it on t-shirts and posters and began selling them, donating 100% of the profits from sales to the charity Divest for Darfur.

In February of this year, Plesner received a cease and desist letter from Louis Vuitton, urging her to stop producing the t-shirts, arguing that the bag in the image infringes their intellectual property rights. Plesner responded to them by explaining that she didn’t use the exact pattern of a Louis Vuitton bag, and that the drawing simply refers to designer bags in general.

From her response letter...

Sometimes recognizable objects are needed to express deeper meanings, and in their new form they become more than the objects themselves – they become art.

I therefore stand by my freedom of expression - artistic and/or otherwise - and will continue my campaign in order to raise money for the victims of Darfur.

On April 15, 2008, Louis Vuitton filed a lawsuit against her for copyright infingement, demanding that she stop producing the image or pay 5,000 euros per day in damages (about $7,700.) Plesner has hired lawyers is fighting the lawsuit, and I think she's scheduled to meet with LV at the end of the month.

End Of The World

Seriously, I feel like the end of the world is coming or something.

Tsunamis, hurricanes, cyclones, earthquakes...

Are they happening more frequently today? Or is it just that we're better informed of these tragedies because of the internet?

My thoughts and prayers go out to the people who are affected by the earthquakes in China.

An Open Letter To Laura

Dear Laura,

While I appreciate you telling me about the emails Beverly has been supposedly been sending your sex-addicted cat, Chumley, I think you're the one who needs to have a talk with your little baby and not the other way around.

Beverly is not a dirty girl and would never send those emails. Chumley is making them up. He stalks her. Did you know that? And he takes pictures of her in various states of undress. Like the bathtub picture. If I remember correctly, on that particular day, I caught him hiding in a tree outside our bathroom window, holding a paparazzi-style camera in his left hand and his private parts in his right. He took off running when I spotted him, but there's no doubt in my mind that it was him.

Also, if you want to talk emails, perhaps you should explain this one. Beverly was obviously embarrassed about receiving it, seeing as though I found it in the trash:

To: Beverly
From: Chumley
Re: My love for you

Dear Beverly,

My belly has been unusually fluffy lately. I shed all my winter fur and have sprouted a fresh and furry white coat. Here's a picture of it:

Don't pay attention to the woman holding me; my heart belongs to you and not her.

By the way, is it true that all dogs like bones? If so, I've got a big one for you.

Dreaming of your perky booty and nubby tail,
Chumley

Happy Mother's Day!

This has always been one of my favorite pictures. That's me, my mom, and my sister.

Celebrity Sighting

Omg, I just had the most amazing celebrity reality star sighting ever right here in Brooklyn:

Alex from The Real Housewives of New York AND her gay(ish) husband Simon AND her two kids, Francois and Johan!

Francois was not singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" in Latin, but riding in the back of a wagon.

I can't believe I didn't have my camera with me.

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld.

Brooklyn Bridge

I took this picture of the Brooklyn Bridge tonight. I wish I hadn't cut off the bottom, but still, isn't it neat?

It's a Baby!

Now, I'm a little late on posting this because what I'm about to tell you happened on the day I left to go to my sister's house a couple weeks, but do you remember my unborn children, Picky and Choosy? Well, someone made a joke saying I should register for baby gifts for them (which isn't a bad idea), and then the very next day, the FedEx man brought me a package from the Method people that looked like this:


Yes, the box says, "It's A Baby!" on the outside. Inside were two new products from Method's new baby and kid line:

• methodbaby squeaky green hair+body wash in rice milk and mallow
• methodkid 3-in-1 shampoo in crisp apple
  

Now, I know I'm on Method's list of people to send things to because I love their products so much and write about using them often, but don't you think it's a bit coincidental that the day after I introduced Picky and Choosy to the world they sent me a box of baby products?

I think not.

Thank you, Method people, for giving me my very first baby gift!

Since I was on my way to babysit when I received them, I ended up bringing both products with me for Nora and Jack to use. (Sorry Picky and Choosy, but the products said "external use only" and you're inside my ovaries, and well... it just didn't seem safe to try and get them to you.) If I hadn't been, I probably would've used them myself.

Anyway, Nora LOVED the crisp apple 3-in-1 shampoo. She loved the fact that it came out of a funny-looking little man and she loved the fact that it smelled like apples. She used so much of it during her bath the first night that she was sticky when she got out of the tub. (I guess I'm supposed to monitor that stuff when I'm in charge of the bath, but she kept screaming, "More! More!" so I kept giving it to her.) I probably should've rinse her off before she got ready for bed, but I didn't, and you know... she didn't even itch, which says a lot about that product.

As for Jack, he's still too little to tell me if he liked the rice milk and mallow hair + body wash, but he has really sensitive skin one and it didn't bother him one bit. Also, it smelled sooooooo good.

Thank you, Method! Please keep sending your products! They work great, smell great, and are so pretty that I don't put them away when company comes over.

Cough

Ugh. So I'm up right now, in the midst of a terrible coughing fit caused by my allergies. This happens to me sometimes. I think when I sleep, I get (*gross word alert*) post-nasal drip that hits the back of my throat and causes it to get all sore and yucky.

Sorry to use so much medical jargon.

Anyway, a doctor told me a long time ago that that's what causes it. I have to remember to take Claritin or something regularly to prevent it.

Okay, I just took some Robitussin Allergy & Cough that I found in the back of my medicine cabinet, so I'm gonna try to go back to bed now.

G'nite.

UPDATE: I think it's working because I'm high now and just took this picture:

Tippin' it back. Hittin' the sauce.

UPDATE 2: Look who came out of hiding when I broke out the 'tussin.


It's no secret Elvis has had his own battle with this stuff. The lil bugger's beggin' for it.

Rap Graphs

This website might be old news to you, but I just discovered rap graphs—rap represented in mathematical charts and graphs—and it's so damn funny.

Some of my favorites:





If you click on them from the rap graphs website, you'll be redirected to the song on YouTube.

Via: zefrank.com

The Greatest Photo

Laura has the greatest photo on her blog today.

Read, It's obvious our backyard is not childproof.

Last Night's Grey's Anatomy

Gay soldier love on primetime network television.

That was fabulous.

I hope every conservative American was watching.

Oh, Sweet Jesus!

I went out tonight around 5:00 PM and put my new plant on the fire escape before I left because it was still sunny outside and I didn't want to leave it inside unattended with Elvis in the house.

(I'm putting way too much thought into the care of this thing.)

Well, I just got home and brought it inside, only to find this:


Two more buds bloomed while I was gone!

Damn, that happened so quickly.

Mother's Day

Imagine my surprise when I went to check my mailbox today and found a card inside from Beverly.


At first I was a bit confused because the postmark says "California" and, to the best of my knowledge, Beverly hasn't been there recently. But it's definitely her handwriting on the envelope, so I can only assume she made a secret trip there recently, perhaps while I was sleeping or something.

The card inside was definitely something she'd pick out:


She loves Yorkies because they look like her and she loves herself.

And she signed it using a special nickname I have for her, a nickname that Mark always makes fun of me for using:


I love you, Beverly... "Mommy's Little Button Head." Thank you for thinking of me on this special day.

PS - I'm only left to assume that Elvis is going to bake me a cake or something.

UPDATE: Laura, this was Beverly's reaction when I told her you called her a lazy-arse:


Obviously, she's pissed.