My Niece Nora Knows Sign Language

My sister had this picture of my niece Nora printed out especially for me, and she's accusing me of teaching her sign language.

Honesty

I looovvvvve this.

Confession: Grey's Anatomy

I have a mad, mad crush on O'Malley.

New Dutch Version of Save Karyn

Look how cute the cover is of the new Dutch pocket version of Save Karyn. (Or I should say De De dollarprinses.)

Click here.

I want one! No one tells me about things like this. I have to do Internet searches and find them.

UPDATE: My agent got a box of them from my Dutch publisher the day after I wrote this.

When Parents Abuse Email

My parents are on the verge of getting their e-mail taken away. Yes, like a mother giving her toddler 'til the count of three to cease unacceptable behavior, I'm at two and three-quarters with them. Seriously, if they forward me one more joke, cartoon, chain letter, prayer, or warning about things like mall parking lots, freezing plastic bottles, and bagged lettuce (okay, fine--this one turned out to be true), I'm gonna go all 'war games' on them and send them a nasty virus that'll shut down their whole system. If they used email to actually communicate with me, I wouldn't mind the occasional joke. But they don't use it to communicate. And they don't send me the occasional joke. These emails are coming in on a daily basis.

I know, I know--just don't read the emails, you say. Delete them. Well, I tried that and it only made matters worse. My Dad actually called me on the phone and started reading them to me. Honest to God--this is how it went down:

2 days ago, via phone:

Dad: Hey, did ya get that one joke I sent?
Me (being vague): Uh... no... maybe... I'm not sure...
Dad: It was a thing by Robin Williams. He was wearing an "I Love NY" shirt that was written in Arabic, and-- well, here... let me go get it and read it to you.

After waiting for my dad to boot up the ole Commodore 64 (okay, slight exaggeration, but I do think he still has dial-up) and find the joke, I sat and listened while he read the entire thing to me from beginning to end. When he was finished:

Dad: That Robin Williams sure is funny. I can just hear him saying those things, can't you?
Me: Sure.

Thinking my dad was finished reading to me, I started to talk about something else. However, I felt like what I was saying was going in one of his ears and out the other. He was looking through his in-box again, I could tell. Suddenly, in the middle of me saying something he cut me--

Dad: Here, listen to this. This one's funny.

--off.

Needless to say, my dad read me another joke. And then another one. And then he actually described a cartoon to me in detail.

I assume I'm not the only person this has happened to. Perhaps we can start a chain letter that our parents can send to all their friends (because you know they will) telling them that if they stop forwarding jokes, cartoons, prayers, warnings, and chain letters (with this exception of this one, of course), they will receive...

- FREE MONEY from Bill Gates and Microsoft
- A FREE COOKIE RECIPE from Neiman Marcus, or
- GOOD LUCK from an angel

(\          /)
( \   __   / )
 ( \ (  ) / )
  (  /<>\  )
  ( / \/ \ )
   /      \
  (        )

What do you think?

Another Mindless IM

Mark (12:16:04 PM): hi
Karyn (12:16:19 PM): hi johnson
Mark (12:16:30 PM): i'm not johnson
Karyn (12:16:40 PM): i know
Mark (12:16:56 PM): i watched dr 90210 on the treadmill this morning..
Karyn (12:17:11 PM): oh goodie
Mark (12:37:39 PM): you are pretty
Karyn (12:37:51 PM): i know
Karyn (12:37:55 PM): you are pretty too
Mark (12:39:37 PM): thanks

And That's Why I Hate You, Sheila Mulligan

Normally I'm a pretty happy person who tries to find the good in everyone. However, sometimes I get really angry and just need to let loose. Up to this point in my life, I've hidden my anger for the most part, maybe vented to a few friends about this or that, but I've reached a point where I can't keep it in any longer. Sometimes we all need an, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore!" moment. This is my moment.

With this, I'd like to introduce something new here at Pretty in the City called...

"And That's Why I Hate You, xxx"

Before I continue, I should say that I hate people who hate. I've always thought that if you don't like someone, you should ignore them, or keep it to yourself. So much energy goes into hating--why not put that energy to something useful? Something productive?

Because sometimes hating feels good, that's why.

A certain amount of satisfaction comes along with telling someone to “f*ck off” or “go to hell”--don't you agree? Sometimes hating and expressing hate spells relief better than the best indigestion tab on the market.

Before I announce the recipient of the first ever "And That's Why I Hate You" award, I want to point out something else: I realize that word "hate" is harsh, but using it is more satisfying than using a word like "dislike." "Hate" is short, to the point, and it leaves no question as to how I really feel about you. If I hate you, I hate you. End of story.

With that, onto my first entry.

So I had a birthday. I turned 29. Again. And I got all sorts of nice birthday wishes on my MySpace page and on this blog. To show my appreciation, I wrote a long post that thanked everybody individually. The thing is, I get a lot of emails and well wishes, and I don't have time to respond to them all. I wanted to show the people who sent me well wishes that I'm thankful for them taking the time out of their busy days to do so.

Just so you know, it took me about three hours to write the post. I'm late handing in two projects that I'm working, too, yet I still took the time to write it. I wrote something short yet heartfelt about each person, and then I wrote this at the end:

Okay, so time to get sappy... Every time I'm sad or get down, I look at my blog or MySpace page, read some comments and realize how lucky I am to have the best blogging FRIENDS ever. I say "friends" because I think the word "fan" is stupid - I love ya'll as much as you hopefully love me, and I'm positive that if we all lived in the same city we'd hang out. Thank you so much for making me feel loved on a daily basis. I cannot thank you enough!

YOU ARE THE STARS IN MY SKY. XX

I meant it. The thing about Blogger and MySpace is that they've allowed me to put faces to the names of the people who read my blogs/books. Savekaryn.com was up before these things existed, so while I got a ton of emails, I never knew who was sending them. Now that I can see who's reading/commenting, I've realized that they are/were people just like me. They're the kinds of people that I'd be friends with. They're not just strangers with an email address anymore. They're people with friends, families, pets--lives.

So anyway, I got some responses to the post, all of them nice, and then I got this:

hey, I love your first book and I can't wait to get the second . . . but isn't it sort of rude what you did to your cat? and disingenuous about how you'd hang out with complete strangers if we all lived in the same city? and isn't this web site sort of like a commercial instead of the Pure and Brilliant Save Karyn? I don't know. I LOVED your book Save Karyn, but I'm a FAN who is concerned about your level of intensity with regard to showcasing your cat. And I believe that "the man [woman] is never is as great as the work" and your first book is definitely brilliant but I hate to be a bitch sort of but God this blog site feels like an opportunity for you to sell. I don't know. I read it anyway because I think you are so funny I can't stand it. I am conflicted. Your Fan, Sheila (yet another Sheila)

Sheila Mulligan, I appreciate the nice things you said about savekaryn.com, but feel that everything else you said is pretty much sh*t. You're conflicted? Well, I'm not.

I hate you, Shelia Mulligan.

First, I'd like to address my cat. He pretty much does this...


...25 hours a day. So me dressing him up and sticking sunglasses and stamps on his head is keeping him young. I rescued him from a bush when he was eight months old, and I've fed him, pet him, and cleaned up his sh*t for the past eleven years. He's got a pretty easy life and I think he can handle wearing sunglasses for five minutes, even if it is for my own amusement. Sure, he'd probably rather continue to do this...


...but too bad. I'm the mommy. I make the rules.

As for my level of intensity with regards to "showcasing" my cat, you should more concerned about my level of intensity with regards to the hate I have for you.

Now on to me being "disingenuous" about saying that I'd hang out with the people who post on this blog. You're either implying that I have a superiority complex and think I'm better than everyone else, or you're implying that the people who post here/read this blog are complete morons. You posted here and admitted to being a reader... are you a moron?

Please don't answer that.

Sheila, I'm no better than anyone else and I've never pretended to be. Most of the people who read this blog have read Save Karyn and identified with it in some way or another, meaning they identified with me, meaning I'd identify with them if we were to meet. When I read their blogs or look at their MySpace pages, I'm able to get a taste of their sense of humor, see their outlook on life, and can honestly say that they are the type of people that I'd be friends with.

Okay, let's move on. As for this website being a commercial, I have links on it to my books, which I will not apologize for. I worked hard on them and I hope people will buy them. It's how I make a living. Some of the posts I've written have to do with the new book, but that's what's going on in my life right now. This is not savekaryn.com. I'm not in debt aymore. This is a random blog about my life.

Now onto... "the man [woman] is never is as great as the work." What kind of backhanded compliment is this? You're basically saying that Save Karyn is/was great, but I'm not. Screw you. I'm human; I have flaws. I do things right; I do things wrong. I say something smart; I say something stupid. Everyone does.

I realize that telling you all this will probably cause me to lose a sale of 20 Times a Lady, but I don't really care. I can live with that. In fact, if you'd like a refund for having purchased Save Karyn, send me your address and I'll send you the $13 back. This should show you how "commercial" this site isn't. I don't use it to gain fans and sell books. I use it to write about stupid, silly, and fun things that I've been up to. It's a smorgasbord of odd diary entries, pictures, and things I do on a weekly basis. If you don't like it, don't read it.

I hate you, Shelia Mulligan, because you bury insults inside compliments, and because you insinuated that a sincere comment I made was bullsh*t. I hate people who look for the ugly in things. I hate people that assume the worst of people. When people questioned the validity of savekaryn.com and whether or not it was fake, and then asked me if I would donate to a cause like mine, I said "absolutely." I said this because I'd rather trust someone and be taken advantage of than not have faith in them from the start. Don't be jaded. Believe, trust, and hope that people's intentions are good.

Okay, so that's it for the first installment of "And That's Why I Hate You, xxx." Tune in tomorrow for...

"And That's Why I Hate You, Cable Repair Man."

Confession: Dog Breath

I secretly like the way my dog's breath smells.

Confession: A Special Freckle

I have a freckle on my hoo ha.

Thank you!

Thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday on my MySpace page and blog!

WARNING: If you have an aversion to exclamation points, stop reading now.

~*Morgan*~
It was her birthday, too, so wish her a happy belated!

Laura in Manchester
A hot little thang in the UK!

Araceli
My favorite Texan EVER!!!!! A true beauty with lucious lips and killer style!

Sheila
She's waiting to hear how she did on the Georgia bar exam, so wish her luck!

Rebecca
A sassy chick from the MIDWEST!

Ryan
I have HOT, SEXY dreams about smoochin' this DREAMBOAT, but I don't think I'm his type.

Cami
One of my favorite Chicago gals of all time who came to my Chicago book signing!

It's Teeeee!
A fellow Libra and all-around gorgeous California gal!

Karin with an "i"
A true BEAUTY and fellow Dolly Parton lover! Her MySpace page makes me smile!

Karina
My favorite Aussie of all time who will hopefully move to NYC soon!

Michelle
Gorgeous, fellow-singleton, fellow-G. Love-lover, fellow Yorkie-lover!

Marina
From the lovely country of Croatia!

Tracey
Admitted to having a girl-crush on me, which made me have a girl-crush on her!

Violet Virus
From Singapore. Her blog is called "P.H.A.T." for "Pretty Hot And Tempting." LOVE IT!

Legally Blonde
I don't know who you are, because you didn't link to a website, but thanks!

Save Sheila
Fellow shopaholic working hard to pay down that debt! Despite her not having any money, she bought $20 worth of raffle tickets to help Animal Haven. (I just gave her her $20 back.) Give her a buck, help her out!

Paul
Another Aussie, but with blue hair!

Kristen
A winner of the Love, Sex & My Ex contest (Thumb D*ick) and a fabulous chick!

Rocket Queen
The future Mrs. Axl Rose, and anyone who loves GNR is a friend of mine!

Sarah
Followed me since the early days of Save Karyn and I love her for it!

Leigh Ann
Has paid off all but $5,000 of a $20,000 debt which she deserves a medal for! Thank you for being such a loyal reader, Leigh Ann. You are a true ROCK and ROLL SUPA-STA!

Loretta
Another girl who donated to Animal Haven! She also sent me a REAL birthday card in the mail! Loretta, Loretta, Loretta, how I do love thee. THANK YOU!!!!

Karyn
Another Karyn with a "y"! She's a beautiful Brit with a sexy little belly button ring! (I can see it in your slide show!)

Sarah
Fellow Columbia College Chicago graduate who came to my Save Karyn book signing in LA three years ago. She's getting married in two weeks, so send her best wishes!

Mel
Recently moved from Utah to Minneapolis. Loves it, but misses the mountains! Send her sweet love! And how much do you love this?

The Gramatically Shielded Armadillo
You probably won't be able to see her MySpace page, but trust me when I say that Riva is a 14-year-old BEAUTY! She has the following quote on her MySpace page:
"A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway." -- J. Cummings
LOVE IT. LOVE HER.

Chr-Es
Chris and I go WAAAAAY back to when Friendster was the hot thing. Love him!

Smartest Person EVER!
Admits to having "partied too much in her early twenties." Um... didn't we all? And um... aren't some of us still? Great MySpace page! XX

Alani
Sent me a Chicago Sun-Times press clipping that I wanted so very much. Thank you! Alani loves a good Irish parade, dresses up her cat for Halloween, and is a member of a karaoke group on MySpace. So Alani, I was singing karaoke on Saturday night... "Love the One You're With." Good song that got the crowd going (despite my off-key rendition.) I highly recommend it.

Kat
A fellow Brooklynite who became my friend after reading my Yorkie Vagina post that was linked from Gawker. Gotta love a girl like that. We have yet to meet, BUT WE MUST!

Reneebaby
Ohio blonde beauty who loves fashion and helping people! She and her hubby are the cutest couple!

Heather
Detroit gal who has ZERO DEBT! Yay! So happy for her for getting rid of it! :)

Salty
A small Yorkie with a BIG ATTITUDE that my dog Beverly has a mad crush on! Woof!

SumWhereUpNorth
A Southern girl and mother of two who moved "SumWhereUpNorth" (Massachusetts)! She claims to love shoveling snow, which I don't believe!

Andie
"Sweet. Southern. Spirited." is the name of her blog and a description of her!

Fina
A little hot tamale who love shopping and has two cats named Lily and Joey!

Lori
A blondie from St. Joe's, Michigan, a place I used to go to on vacation when I was a little girl! XX

Catherine
A fab Canadian!

Okay, so time to get sappy... Every time I'm sad or get down, I look at my blog or MySpace page, read some comments and realize how lucky I am to have the best blogging FRIENDS ever. I say "friends" because I think the word "fan" is stupid - I love ya'll as much as you hopefully love me, and I'm positive that if we all lived in the same city we'd hang out. Thank you so much for making me feel loved on a daily basis. I cannot thank you enough!

YOU ARE THE STARS IN MY SKY. XX

It's my birthday, bitches!

In my new Calvin Klein birthday hat from my friend Cristin. I'm so fierce.

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld.

PS: I added the picture a few hours after I posted this. It was taken at 4am after several cocktails, so please excuse the smeared eye makeup. Yikes.

He Made it! Elvis on Stuff On My Cat

Oh my Gosh, he made it!!! Elvis on Stuff On My Cat



He's such a superstar. And I'm such a stage mom. OMG, I can see it now...

Due to his success at Stuff On My Cat, I'll start enrolling Elvis in beauty pageants and taking him on commercial auditions. He'll be successful, no doubt, and will make a lot of money, money that I'll end up stealing, of course, because that's what good stagemoms do. To drown his pain and sorrow, Elvis will turn to a life of drugs and alcohol. (It'll be the cheap stuff, like crack and Old English malt liquor, because that's all he'll be able to afford.) After hitting rock bottom, Elvis will go to rehab, which will be the beginning of a kick-butt comeback. After being the subject of an E! True Hollywood Story, Elvis will start getting roles -- not just in commercials and such -- but in real Hollywood Blockbusters. Fast forward... I'm walking Elvis down the red carpet, he's won the award and is standing on stage. After doing a couple one-armed push ups ala Jack Palance to show everyone what a stud he is, he'll say...

"Meow, meow, meow, meooooow."

...which a translator will translate to:

"I owe all of this to my mom, Karyn. I love you, you crazy bitch! Rock on!"

Yessssssss.

PS - I like our titles better.

Good Movie Quote: The Upside of Anger

"Anger and resentment can stop you in your tracks. That's what I know now. It needs nothing to burn but the air and the life that it swallows and smothers.

It's real, though... the fury... even when it isn't. It can change you, turn you, mold you, and shape you into something you're not.

The only upside to anger, then, is the person you become - hopefully, someone that wakes up one day and realizes they're not afraid to take the journey; someone that knows that the truth is, at best, a partially told story; that anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits, and in its wake, leaves a new chance at acceptance, and the promise of calm."

PMS

Every time I get PMS I cry easily. Last month it was an episode of Oprah about a dog with no front legs that brought on the tears; tonight it was Flashdance.

Take your passion and make it happen.

I'm Alive

I'm still wrapping up my screenplay - I'll be back full-time next week! Until then, please enjoy a hot flashback to the eighties on my MySpace page. (I have since changed it, but when I wrote this it was "Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns N' Roses.)

When you're done, tell me what memories hearing the song sparks. It reminds me of a guy I dated named Mark who drove a white Camaro and put Sun-In in his hair.

Also, here are two pics of my niece Nora. She is playing in Auntie Karyn's accessories in the first (I knit that scarf, btw, and bought those big sunglasses in a vintage shop in London WAY before those Olsen twits started wearing them), and is wearing a cute outfit I bought her in the second. The t-shirt says, "No Sleep 'til Brooklyn" and don't you just love those pants?