I Have a Secret

I got this new deodorant and it smells so good that I want to eat my armpits. It's called Secret Platinum. The scent is Glacier Mist. I took a picture of it with my new phone. To make it more exciting, I had Elvis sit in the background.

All Things Itis

So sorry for my absence. I had a terrible sinus infection that took forever to get over. Ewww. Sounds gross, doesn't it? Someone needs to come up with a better name for a sinus infection, because that and "sinusitis" both sound pretty disgusting.

Speaking of all things "itis"... While I was at the T-Mobile store yesterday getting a new cell phone (mine broke), some guy walked up to me and said hello. When he asked my name I, of course, told him my pretend name, Suzanne, because I don't tell strangers my real name--it's just not safe. When I did, he said, "Well hello, Suzanne, my name is Leonitis."

Yes, Leonitis.

I don't know how you spell it--Leonidis, Leonitus, Lianitis--who knows? All I know is that it sounds like a venereal disease. If that were your name, wouldn't you go by Leo? Or Leon? I mean, why Leonitis?

Anyway, you should've seen him. He was dressed to kill. He was wearing a gold hat that matched his gold suit that matched his gold shoes. He was what I would call "ghetto fabulous." I should've snapped a picture of him. Next time I will because my new phone has a camera in it.

Because I'm an enormous dork and love all things pink, I got the magenta Razr phone by Motorola. I ended up getting it for under $100 because my broken phone was still under warranty and I was eligible for an upgrade. It's so shiny and pretty. Anyway, I took a picture with it to share with all of you. Here it is:



I live in Cobble Hill, a neighborhood in Brooklyn. The photo was taken out my window, which faces northwest. Here's a map so you can get your bearings. Click on it to make it bigger:


Anyway, now people can stalk me. Kidding. Like anyone would.

What's in Your Custom Dictionary?

For some odd reason I ended up in the "custom dictionary" in Microsoft Word on my computer and had to laugh at the words I've added to it...

ain't
Bennifer
Beyonce
Bigalow (as in Deuce)
babelicious
bejesus (as in "you scared the bejesus out of me!")
Camaro
Cheetos
Cortlandt (as in Palmer from All My Children)
dammit
Dollywood
dufus
Emeril (as in BAM!)
Ewww
ewww (I have both capped and not capped)
Farrah (as in my second favorite Angel. My first.)
ficus (as in the ugly fake floor plant everyone had in the early 90s)
foxymoron
freakin' (as in "that's freakin' fantastic!")
gangsta
gimme
gonna
gotta
grody
hoochie
hula (as in hula hoop)
iPod
Keaton (as in Alex P. from Family Ties not Michael)
Keds (as in they need to be outlawed)
loco
Manero (as in Tony from Saturday Night Fever)
Marky (as in mark and the funky bunch)
mojo
Mousketeer
numchucks
outta
Parton (as in Dolly)
Plinko (as in the Price is Right game)
Powter (as in "Stop the insanity!" Susan)
Punk'd
Retton (as in Mary Lou)
Richie (as in Lionel)
Sambuca
Sipowicz (as in Detective Andy from NYPD Blue)
Speedwagon (as in REO)
Tinkerbell
Tinseltown
Vespa
Wagoneer
wanker
wanna
Yorkie

And then I found these questionable words...

Percocet
Percodan
Vicodin
Xanax

What words are in your custom dictionary? Open Microsoft Word --> Select "Tools" from the pulldown menu at the top --> Options --> Spelling & Grammar --> Custom Dictionaries --> Make sure "CUSTOM.DIC" is checked --> Modify...

Real Album Covers

I wonder what would happen if Joyce...


met Ken...

I bet they'd make sweet love.

Confession: Imaginary Friends

On a recent episode of Desperate Houswives, Felicity Huffman learns that her son has an imaginary friend named Mrs. Mulberry. While watching, I couldn't help but feel sorry for the kid for being such a little whacko. I mean, I never had an imaginary friend when I was little. However...

I do distinctly remember pretending to be a dog when I was about eight years old or so. I'm not sure exactly what led me to doing this, but I remember crawling around the house on my hands and knees, following the dog around, doing everything she did... I barked at the paper boy, drank water from a bowl on the floor, licked my paws - I mean hands - clean. I tired of this quickly and only did it for a day, but still...

Yesterday I asked my sister if she remembered the day that I was a dog. After looking at me funny, she told me no, but made me feel better by saying that when she was recently in Babies "R" Us, she saw a kid doing the same thing. Apparently his mom had to whistle for him when it was time to go. At least I kept my behavior in the house.

Anyway... Similar stories? Share...

BTW... I'm a Gabrielle. Which one are you?

MMMBop!

<----It's nice to see the boys of Hanson working again.

Shoes, Shoes, Shoes

New York magazine went inside Candace Bushnell's shoe closet and this is what it looked like. I love it! I love that the woman who created Carrie Bradshaw has a normal shoe closet. I guess expected it look more like Kimora Lee Simmons' closet. In case you wondering, over to the left is what my shoe closet in Brooklyn looks like. I had some kid who works at the local hardware store cut some wood to make shelves. It's not very fancy, but then again, neither am I.

Puppy Purses

This is wrong. Just wrong.

pamperpedpuppy.com

Didn't I See You on Cops?

I got an email recently from a college roommate of mine, a girl I haven't talked to in ten years. This is what it said, and this is all it said:

"Did I see you and Pearce tonight on Cops Las Vegas? Just wondering... Hope your doing well. Tanya"

Hmmm... is it just me, or is it inappropriate to ask someone you haven't spoken to or seen in over ten years if they were on Cops?

She sent the email via savekaryn.com, so she obviously heard about the website/book, but she didn't address it, or write her last name on the email, or remind me who she was like, "Hey remember me? We lived together our freshman year. How have you been?" No. All she said was, "Did I see you on Cops?"

I didn't watch the episode, so I wasn't sure why she thought my friend Pearce and I were on, so I called a different friend who did watch and asked why someone would think we were. When I did, he started laughing and said, "The only people she could've possibly thought you were is a couple who got caught buying crystal meth from a gas station attendant in Vegas."

Yes... Vegas... crystal meth... gas stations attendant.

What the hell is wrong with this girl??? My friend Pearce went on to get his masters degree, designed a lamp that was in a book and exhibited in a museum, and was on Martha Stewart Living once. As for me, I know I've had some finacial problems in the past, but I'm writing my second book right now. WE AREN'T METH HEADS. I was so offended by the email that I wanted to send a rude reply back, but I didn't. I was nice and tried to make light of the situation instead:

"No. We weren't on Cops. Ha ha ha. I didn't see it, what happened??? It makes me worried you would think it was us though... those people can be quite tragic. How are you?"

I was expecting her response to be something along the lines of "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be insulting, yada, yada, yada," but this is what I got:

"Hey Girl, What's up Karyn, I had Cops on in the background (I never watch Cops!) and I heard a guy who reminded me of Pearce. I have not seen or spoken to him since College but as soon as I heard this voice, I looked up and saw a guy who did look like him. I kept watching this scene, and then it shows his friend (who could of been your double). It was crazy, I truly thought it was you both:) Anyway, I'm doing great. Still here in Chicago. Glad to see your doing well! Let me know next time you in town!”

She could have been my double? She seriously said that after I pointed out the people on the show can be quite tragic?

Bitch.

Tanya, I'm not gonna call you next time I'm in Chicago and I'm insulted that you thought I was on Cops. It's incredibly rude to say that to someone EVEN IF YOU THINK IT'S TRUE.

If anyone taped Cops Las Vegas, can get a screen capture of it, or a clip, please send it to me, I'm dying to see my meth smoking/shooting/sniffing (I don't even know how you do meth) double. Also, leave COMMENTS... what's the rudest thing someone's said to you?

20 Times a Lady is Finished!

Welcome to my new blog. Sorry for the absence. I've been very busy writing my new book, "Twenty Times a Lady," and am happy to announce it's finally done. Yay! Exhale.

I've been like a zombie, holed up in my apartment, finishing it. Seriously. The most exciting part of my days has been going to Rite-Aid, deciding what snacks I should get...

"Should I get regular Diet Coke or Diet Coke with Lime?"
"Should I get Jujubees or Jujyfruits?"
"Or should I live on the wild side and get Dots?"

I wish I could say I'm kidding... Anyway, now that it's finally done, I'm hoping my life will get more exciting.

Thanksgiving in Rhode Island

This past Thanksgiving, my sister, her husband and I—the eternally single sibling who now travels with her dog—went to Rhode Island for the weekend. The first place we visited was Providence, which, despite the fact that nothing much goes on there, is a delightful town. Sure, there are a lot of cute houses, colleges, and one heck of a mall, but that's pretty much it.

The second place we visited was Newport, and WOW is it cute. It's right on the water and is so adorable. We went on a tour of a castle where he Vanderbilts used to live called "The Breakers." It was ENORMOUS. I wonder why they felt like they needed such a big house. It seems like a waste of space.

The hotels in Rhode Island didn't allow dogs, so I had to sneak Bev in and out in her bag. She couldn't parade in and out like she usually does, but she got over it. I don't understand why some hotels don't allow dogs. They let bratty kids run up and down the hallways like little hooligans, making noise and spreading germs by touching everything with their sticky little fingers, but my little baby who just got a BATH and was wearing a cute little blue sweater (btw, she was WAY better dressed than most people there) had to sneak around inside in a bag. It doesn't make any sense.

Anywho, does anyone know why Rhode Island is called Rhode Island? I mean, it's not an island.

Dolly Parton Rules

I'm now obsessed with Dolly Parton. I mean, I've always been a fan of hers, but I just watched her on Conan and she's so oddly fascinating. I could watch her talk for hours because she's so... doll-like? Is that what it is? She doesn't look like a real person, you know what I mean? All I have to say is that I'm going to Dollywood. That's my next trip. She told Conan that she likes to order from QVC, and that when she does, she uses her married name, which is Dolly Dee. Who knew?

My Cat Drools

Okay, I'm not sure what's wrong, but Elvis seems to be drooling a lot lately. I'm not talking a little drop hangs from his mouth or anything, I'm saying that I'm finding puddles of drool all over the apartment. Why oh why is he drooling? See what I mean?

It's over there to the right. A big drool string. I'm taking him to the vet next week to figure out what's wrong, because it just can't be normal, right? Right. I did an internet search, and read something that said cats drool when they're happy. Maybe that's what's going on with him.

UPDATE: Elvis stopped drooling a few days after I wrote this, and the vet said he's fine (after he shoved a thermometer up his tush.) He said he might've had some food stuck between his teeth or something like that.

Made Up Words

I like to make up words. Yep. When I'm talking and I can't think of a good word to explain what I'm talking about, I just make one up. Like my friend is an attorney and I call what he does "lawyering." And those little cubicles where they do bikini waxes, I call those "publicle cubicles."

Anywho... every month Jane magazine has a new word in it that they or someone else made up. Here are some examples...

Almond Joy
n. A male camel-toe, formed when a dude's jewels are squeezed into tight jeans. Usage: "The Boss's almond joy is three times bigger than Steve Perry's. Not that that's something to be proud of."

Diet Strokes
n. Music-industry term for any of the hundred cute new garage bands coming onto the scene. Usage: "Those Diet Strokes must shop at the same marching-band-jacket surplus store as Julian."

Efemulate
v. To rip away womanhood (like "emascualte"). Usage: That efemulating bastard said I can't wear skirts to work.

Icarus dick
adj. Too proud; cocky. Pertaining to Icarus, the mythological guy who flew too close to the sun. Usage: "When I saw the new designs for the Twin Towers site, I thought, 'Ugh, they're so Icarus dick.'"

Noah's boy
n. An obnoxious show-off. Diner cooks use "Noah's boy" as slang for ham, since Ham was Noah's son in the Bible. Usage: "That Noah's boy is talking really loudly about his motorcycle again."

Poseur exposer
n. A band name that is sure to unmask novice fans because it's hard to pronounce. Geeky record store clerks get a lot of mileage out of these. Usage: "That loser just asked about the new Porky's Psychotic Monkey record. Poseur exposer in effect - everyone knows it's Gorky's Zygotic Mynci."

Pussyball
n. Tattooist term for the tennis ball given to customers who need something to squeeze in order to deal with the pain. Usage: "I'm not your pussyball - go to the bathroom by yourself."

Screwvenir
n. or v. A T-shirt, CD, etc. stolen from a one-night stand's house or the act of stealing the stuff. Usage: "Now that I have Physical Graffiti, I've screwvenired the entire Zeplin discography."

What are some of your favorite made up words?

The Skinny Mirror

I just moved into my new apartment, and the person who lived here before me left a full-length mirror behind. But the thing is, it's not just any mirror—it's a skinny mirror. Yep. As in "I look like a total babe in this skinny mirror" skinny mirror. As in "I wish others could see how hot I am in this skinny mirror" skinny mirror. Why on earth would anyone leave a skinny mirror behind?